when asked if you’re human
My favorite response is “No, I am a meat popsicle”
But that didn’t fit in the line, SO
“yes” is the correct answer.
Winter Solstice
The event was good. It was like a large extended version of my normal local friends. I missed seeing all the Philly people. I only went to four classes, Dov’s Hogties class and his Escape artists class, as well as Mollena’s Bitchin’ Bottoms class, and Brittish Lucky Paul’s Electro play class. Dov’s classes made me rethink some things about the way I tie. Mo’s class made me feel better about just being who the fuck I am, which is why I finally wrote an “about” on fetlife. BrittishLuckyPaul’s class was just for funsies becasue I’ve taken a few electro classes before, but ti’s always fun to watch cute girls (IE MissCalico) get tortured. (I’m a sadist…) I also got to feel a rather low voltage taser, which wasn’t that bad.
I spent my first night just sitting at the security desk. It was a LOT of fun. I had a lot of people stopping and talking to me, saying hi to me, giving me hugs. I heckled people, I made new friends. It was really exciting when people I didn’t know would be like, “Oh you’re ammre! I’ve heard about you, your photos on fet are awesome” and that would totally make me feel awkward for a second but also feel really good. I spent a lot of time hanging out with my friend Adam who I kinda felt a slight sexual tension with. Others came over, this guy Brian hung around for a few hours and in my head I labeled him “tall dark and curly”. He was quite nice to look at/listen to/think dirty thoughts about. Apparently, he has been following my twitter for nearly a year now, I had no clue. This other kid Kevin stopped by. I started a running joke that he was 12. He was 20, but looked super young and was kinda talkative and slightly annoying like a little kid. He took my heckling like a champ though so I give him props. The next day he said he turned 13, and since that’s an age he’d apparently accept, He’s now 13. As Adam said, which is worse, a 20 minute painful scene or 8 hours of annoyance and humiliation. If someone can take 8 hours of my annoyance and humiliation they are a champ. So Adam is a champ.
The Next night was fantastic. i got to smack a cute girl around a bit while she was tied up thanks to Blondie. I also got to set up and middle for a violet wand scene with MinaMeow as a top. When she had the contact pad we had a small learning curve with how it could hurt us TOO. More like I leaned back against the chair while holding the wand and the metal rim of the chair zapped me because the ballchain that went to the contact pad was touching the chair. The later mina was dancing around with metallic pompoms and the ballchain was swinging into my shin. It was.. interesting. I had lots of good conversations that night and it was great.
Then I went home at about 3:30am, accidentally woke the dogs, Emily jumped off the bed using mom’s shin as a launching point and tore it open about an inch and a half. I had to clean up the blood puddles she was leaving behind, clean her shin up, bandage it, get her to the hospital and get her taken care of. The adrenaline was pumping hard in me so I wasn’t emotionally reaching or feeling any body pain, but once that dropped, oh god i felt like hammered shit.
I slept till 2 the next day, I went to the event late, and I was pretty useless. I got to have a lovely diner with blondie, aries, shelby, mystic, starfire and a few others though. I just felt so emotionally and physically drained form the night before and everything fucking hurt. I felt like I wanted to cry the whole day because I was strung so tight. I also was jonesing for play, to bottom to someone, but it didn’t happen, partially because I didn’t allow it considering the state my body was in, with a still open surgical wound. so it didn’t end on the best note.
Overall it was kinda small, but it’s tough to take something that was a multi-day event for LOCALS and turn it into a hotel event. Hotel events are normally for the benefit of people traveling from afar. I do give props to the organizers, for as small as it was, it was pretty well done and they worked their asses off. It was a really nice way for m to get back into the scene, and it was a nice way to start off the new year.
Surgery… the long version!
My surgery was yesterday… Getting to the hospital sucked. I was instructed to wash up well before I came in but washing up requires a lot of movement and I wasn’t taking any meds to help that morning. So I was sore before it even came time to walk out to a vehicle. Then samm had a tough night falling asleep so I said maybe mom could take me and she could meet me when I woke up. Which for her was a goo plan but when it came time it turned out to be painful and stupid on my part. We should have asked to borrow her car, I had a hard time getting in and out of the truck. Mom’s door dosn’t work so she had to climb in before me,So i had to get to it/get in without help. Then the seat wouldn’t go back so i was in pain for a long while until I could figure out how to wist and settle in. Also the truck has pretty crappy shocks so it was bouncy the whole way. Major suckage. Then when we got to the hospital, I think we were the first ones there. A security guard was thankfully in the lobby and came out and helped me out of the truck, then helped me walk in and down to where I had to check in. I was super thankful for him since mom couldn’t do it because she had to deal with the truck. That’s another place where an extra person would have been super helpful. Finally got down to the check in area, checked in, and had to sit int heir waiting room for a bit before they called my name to register me. Sitting blows. I was curled up on one of their chairs, all hunched over and breathing heavy. Some lady asked me If i needed help in this almost patronizing voice used for little kids and grand parents… ugh. I almost wanted to say, No, I need SURGERY, bitch, but instead I said, No, thank you though. After being registered I asked if I could lay down, and so they told me I could lay on the benches in the hallway, which were only remotely better due to the fact that they weren’t wide enough to curl up right.
Finally after about a hour they called me into pre-op and had me pee in a cup and then lay down and get in the icky gown. They pulled the curtain around my bed and told me if i needed help to jsut call. After I got out of my clothes and into the gown i said Hello? and someone came over. i asked them if they could put the back of the bed down as being on an angle would hurt. So she did, then tried to cover me with a blanket and I said, Please no, I’m boiling hot. Normally they keep the pre-op room really cold. Everyone else was in blankets and sweaters. Several nurses came over and tried to put my bed up and cover me with the blanket, because they just did not realize it was not comfortable for me. The gown had these little vents in it that you could plug into the wall to pump warm air into the gown, Clearly I did not need that. They did give me a sheet so i could move around without exposing myself to the world.
My dr’s assistant came over and went over the surgery with me. i asked a bunch of questions and she marked my back. I wish I hd asked her about specific things i should and should not do during healing. I asked about healing time and she essentially gave me the long term view, but I mean, how long will the hole in my back be worry-some, how long until i should be walking a bit and doing shit. Then the anesthesiologist came over to talk to me, and he was super nice. We went over what he was going to do and that he was going to give me a breathing tube once I was out and remove it just before I came to. He mentioned I’d have a scratchy throat for a day or so and he was right. it’s mostly better now, but i’m still a little cough-y. I thought he was kinda cute for an older dude. Then the head OR nurse taked to me briefly and said “Ya ready?!” and I was like, Well i don’t see why not! So she wheeled me off to the OR. I cracked little jokes the whole way, and put my arms up in a super hero pose of “Up up and away!” At one point the Dr’s assistant grabbed the front of the bed and the Or nurse accidentally sorta broke the IV pole and knocked of some of the IV bags, and In my infinite wisdom I said “Hold!” and the assistant stopped pulling, it was awesome. Then when the nurse picked up the bags, I said “Game on!” and they went. Doubly awesome.
When we went into the OR I was introduced to the rest of the team and I was super nice and said shit like :pleased to make your acquaintance!” I think they liked me. Everyone was asking me what procedure I was going to have today. I think it was a question to 1-make sure I knew, 2-make sure there was no mix up ever. At one point I was very tempted to fuck with them and say “Oh a hysterectomy!” Because that’s what the lady 2 curtains down was having. In the OR they asked me what procedure and Dr I was having was, and I responded, “I’m having a Lumbar Microdiscectomy on the disc in the L4-L5 space, performed by Dr Carl Geordano and this lovely team” and they kinda chuckled and wow’d at me and commented that I was paying attention. On the OR table it almost looked like it was being used for storage. There was a box on one end, some strange orange V shaped arches in the middle that kinda looked like a mutant boating lifesaver, and then a stack of like 8 pillows. I think at some point while I was out they managed to get my fat ass in some strange position on that table, but when I was wheeled in I was thinking to myself, “Oh please don’t ask me to climb out of bed and figure out how to climb up onto that!”. The anesthesiologist injected a relaxer into my IV, and i joked “oh this is going to make things mushy eh?” and then a few seconds later i said “Woah, not smooshy, more like fuzzy and smooshey” he told me he hd to get me on my back before he could knock me out. I wasn’t feeling much after the first injection so I just rolled onto by back, and he thought he was going to have to help me more so it suprised him and so he was like, Oh ok well then!” and then……. I was waking up!
It went well, much better then I expected. Everyone I dealt with was real nice/friendly. They answered most all of my questions to the best of their ability. I made some of them smile or chuckle. I went under and I woke up thinking, I’m comfy, maybe 5 more min? After a while I realized I was in recovery and I should probably wake up for realz. They asked me how I was doing and let me now that when I felt ready I could work on going home. I was like, i can go home? and they were like, yup when you feel ready. I was like, Well let’s go! Which looking back i think I should have taken advantage of a few more hours of sleep but I wasn’t allowed visitors in that room and I wanted mommy and samm to see me. So they wheeled me out into another room where I managed to get up out of bed and sit in one of those hospital lounge chairs. I got some ginger ale to drink which was amazing for my dry mouth and samm and mommy came in. After a bit I put on clothes and then samm and mom went to fetch cars and a nurse got me into a wheel chair and wheeled me up to the door and then out to samm’s car. And thus I got home!
I had lots of visitors yesterday while I was still mostly doped up. I got to see teh nikki, and skewerl which was UH-MAZING. Then I had trish over and then ten, tiffany, liz and paula with her spiffy new car… it was fantastic. All that estrogen! I feel like I said “I love you guys” a million times because of my appreciation… and a lot of drugs.
The pain in my bum/hip/leg/ankle/foot is ALL GONE! I’ve got some pretty heavy numbness going on on my outer left shin down to my toes, but I’ve heard most, if not all, of that should fade away. I’ve got pain at the incision site which is to be expected. It’s right on my first tattoo. Boo! I can’t twist and I shouldn’t sit upright for much time, but I can recline and walk. changing positions or moving around in bed is the worst. Walking is seriously weak. It doesn’t hurt but Ive got some good atrophy and weakness going on. My legs shake when I walk and I can’t straighten them properly. I hold onto things so i don’t loose my balance since that fine motor skill is gone. I’ve got some slight nausea going on. part of the wearing of anesthesia, but also from the steroids I’m taking to reduce inflammation. Thankfully while I’m taking a large dose of them now, I should be cutting my doses in half soon, then weaned off it pretty quickly. When i feel icky I start hugging a large plastic bowl, I figure if I’m prepared to vomit, it won’t actually happen.
All in all, for a first surgery and hopefully the last for a long while, this went swimmingly. now it’s just a matter of making sure I heal right, regaining my strength/motor abilities, and taking super fucking good care of my back!
yeah I might be cracking
Update: I don’t know how I was blessed with such amazing people in my life, but you guys are awesome. My surgery is on the 7th and after we’ll see how much that costs… but for now, thanks to you’re generocity, I’ve caught up and i’m no longer juggling who i afford to partially pay each month.
Thank you so much. You have all brought me to tears several times. I owe a huge karmic debt.
________________________________________________
I don’t want to take donations from people. I always have this icky feeling when I take money from people who aren’t immediate family. Unfortunately my resources are officially tapped. My mom can’t afford to help me much more. I’m now basically sinking in debt.
Morristown Memorial Doctor’s bill – 373.00 Paid thanks to you guys!
Robert Wood Johnson Doctor’s bill – 202.00 Paid thanks to you guys!
Robert Wood Johnson ER’s bill – 227.46 Paid thanks to you guys!
I’m having a discectomy surgery. I’m not sure what the costs I’ll have to pay out of pocket for this are. Hopefully the charity care will cover most of it, but I’m not sure.
School loans are less crucial, but they are still things that are accumulating and threatening me in debt. The past due is what scares me.
Federal School Loan – 184.84 past due (5,692.27 total)
Granite State loan – 248 past due (2,625.00 total)
So if you wanna help, I guess I’ll take it. It’s about time I learned to ask for help.
Post more ehh?
So i’m home all the time at the moment. I’ve gotten myself good and injured and I can’t do much. I thought that this would make my blog boring. I really wanted to posts lots of stuff about sexual explots and deep thoughts…
But i’m such a lazy writer.
Even though I’ve been super bored, i default to crappy tv or watching movies online or whining on twitter… I need to start using my time to put down thoughts and build real catalogs of my life. I thinkthat might be better.
I’ve got a google wave invite, nanowrimo is going on, my blog is back online, maybe something can inspire me to do more.
neglectful.
I’ve been slightly non-existent in this blog. I’m sorry. Just because I’m currently crippled doesn’t mean all my thoughts on sexuality have to disappear. Maybe I’ll talk about one of my taboo turn ons…
health update
I’m worse! by a lot!
It’s to the point where i’ve been bed bound for the last 3 weeks. I can get to the bathroom, that’s about it, and often that leaves me gasping/crying in pain. I use a forearm cane on my left side and often walk backwards so i never have to lift it so much as drag it. My muscles are atrophying because i’m not doing ANYTHING. Well to be fair, I think i’m getting a killer upper body, b ut my legs are shot. My calf muscles are disappearing as are my quads.I can’t shower, ‘ve managed to bathe twice crawling in and out of the tub crying hysterically because it hurt so bad.Baby wipes are my friend. I sleep i spurts of 3 to 5 hours depending on if i have anti inflammatories and or painkillers in me. I’ve become grumpy and reclusive. I don’t really enjoy visitors like I wish i could. Being in pain and unable to move I’m miserable and I HATE people seeing me miserable. I’m also tired of people asking “how are you?” Because i don’t know how to answer it. I’m TIRED of talking about myself, which is why i make posts like this, and repost across sites so I don’t have to answer those questions.
Why haven’t I been fixed yet?
Well I have no health insurance. I can get seen by a general practitioner ad I have been but they can only tell me I need to follow up with an orthopedic specialist, and seeing one of those without insurance is next to impossible. I’ve been trying to get into a charity care system and get to a clinic at one of the nearby hospitals, but i’ve been waiting 2 weeks for a response from them.
Once I’m seen by the specialist, he’ll likely just look at me and order an MRI, then I’ll still have to go back to him to find out what’s wrong and what should be done, then schedule whatever procedure or therapy i need… which means even once i get care it will probably still be another 3 weeks to 2 months before I’m getting fixed let alone finally fixed.
Balls.
so that’s my update.
In the mean time my sister is at burning man getting lessons in radical self reliance. I’m very proud of her.
bdsm use for alies
four things bdsm has taught me about being a good ally
dunno where i found that, but i like it.
feelings.
I’ve been told I don’t show my feelings a lot and that I don’t like people seeing me be emotional.
I find this funny because i’m sitting here in a not good feeling and all I can think is “how the hell can I tell the people around me about how I feel”
But really, why does it fucking matter what I feel? It’s not going to change what they do because they can’t do anything for me.
and I’m not one of those people can create some beautiful great art with their feelings. I don’t have a delicate or emotional ability in expressing myself.
At this point I have two options, can clean my room. Cleaning my room makes me feel better when it’s over and I can move better and it looks presentable and I find all new things to play with and do. OR I can go to sleep. In which nothing gets done, and I get more depressed and hateful of myself. Then I go back to sleep, wake up with a headache from sleeping so much, and realize it’s after dark already and the day is gone. Unfortunately the fact that it hurts to move a lot means my choice has been made for me.
I hate my body. I feel so betrayed by it breaking down on me.
I want to be functional or dead… not that I should be telling anyone.
the “daddy” issue.
I don’t have daddy issues like a lot of girls often talk about. My father was fantastic. In quite a few ways I was closer to him then i was to my mom. He was the house husband since he retired early and so he would drive me to school make diner and talk to me more often.
I miss that.
I couldn’t figure out why i liked my chiropractors so much at first. I feared it was something not quite right, maybe even dirty. Then i realized they had a sort of father like tone about them. They are both the right age, have children and scold me gently for causing myself pain. Then they cause me more pain, for my own good and sort of take care of me. They both have good personalities and one of them even had my dad’s radio station playing when I came in. It’s probably not appropriate to get attached to people like that, but what do you do when you just want that kind of relationship you had with your dad?
I miss my father.
