I am a poster girl with no poster.

when asked if you’re human

My favorite response is “No, I am a meat popsicle”

But that didn’t fit in the line, SO

“yes” is the correct answer.

my inner little

I’m not a little in that common idea of the term. I don’t like to have huge stuffed animals, outlandish bright colors, big doe eyes, pigtails, and pigeon toes. Heck, that wasn’t how I was as a kid either.

I do get little feelings sometimes, but I’m pretty sure they are normal feelings that are associated into the little identity just because I see it reflected in my friends who ARE littles.

I’d like to have someone to be a parental figure. I’m into having someone who is smarter/wiser/more learned guiding me and molding me. I’ve always wanted to be the best in the class, to catch on the quickest to make my teacher/parents/mentors proud. People who are more intelligent or are wiser turn me on because I want to tap into that and learn from them. I’m an unintentional brown noser and not because I want to be awesome by association, but rather that I hope to learn how to be awesome myself.

I’d like someone who could be a bit of my protector. This post was inspired by a friend’s post about the song “breathe me” by Sia. He said when he feels that the daddy within him ache to hold his girl. Inversely, when I hear that song I ache to be held by someone. To surrender my trust and well being into someone’s hands for a bit. I can’t remember the last time I relaxed into someone’s arms.

Also, I’d like the discipline. I’m not always good at making sure I’m doing the right things. Sometimes it seems like it would be nice to have someone who will correct me when I fuck up.

But while this SOUNDS so nice…

I’m 5′10″, 300lbs, skeptical and I’ve been single for 6 years. That means I’m kinda large and intimidating so I don’t really need protecting and cuddling me is kinda like trying to cuddle a pitbull. I don’t really learn well from other people because half the time when they say something I go home and google it anyway. I’m skeptical about believing things from one source only. Since I’ve been single for so long, i’m ok at being sexual but horrible at being intimate, so cuddling is almost always awkward. Lastly, try telling me what to do will generally get most people ignored or yelled at. I’ve been on my own for too long and have figured out how to make my own decisions.

But the thought is nice.

BDSM in public…

AKA  “Why i’m not worried about offending you.”

I’m fat. That’s not going to change. Even if I diet like a fiend and make a huge lifestyle change, I’ll probably never get under 240lbs without some horrible invasive surgery. having said that, something new struck me recently.

I was looking at a picture that compared a girl in a cosplay outfit who was plus size, but not overly so, to another girl playing the same character but who was thin. Both outfits were well done but thinner one was shot in a professional portrait setting, so they probably had a better shot at presenting their costume nicely. The general consensus was that the larger girl was repulsive and should not be out like that. Some people made statements like “whale” or “put her out of her misery”. It seemed as if they were offended by having to look even voluntarily at an image of a large girl, god forbid if they were in the same space as her too!

Then there’s meme roth and all her fat shaming bullshit she’s spewing which is really just a product of our media society. God forbid the fatties live alongside these bastions of thin. As if thin people are never irritating to be near, or never have health problems. God, fat people are made fun of all over, and even if there’s a fat person at a gym they are still made fun of when clearly they are trying to change.

So if simply existing and not being absolutely ashamed of myself, was reason that others are offended, then why should I be so damn worried about offending their delicate sensibilities in other ways?

Combine that with people who simply offend me with no concern… people who talk on the phone (bluetooth headsets in particular) really fucking loud, people who wear perfume that makes me sneeze and have mini asthma attacks, people who wear their pants way too fucking low, people who use homophobic slurs in common language, people who call the entire area of the vulva the vagina, people who sport conservative or stupid bumperstickers, or the ideals behind them… Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh… The list goes on.

Mash all these things together and you have an atmosphere where I stop caring if I’m offending you and I jsut start enjoying myself. I’ll still be a good person. I’ll still hold the door for you, tip well, let you cross the street, and other courteous things, but don’t be suprized if I’m wearing my pro-abortion t-shirt while doing it, or if I’ve got a leash on, or my knees tied together and my panties stuffed in my mouth with tape.

I don’t care if my existence offends you.

ouch?

Do I like pain?
Fuck, I don’t know.

I like the endorphins pain gives me. The feeling of rushy flight that comes with sore muscles and tender skin. I just want to breathe, and I feel so clear and in the moment. I feel so bubbly. I want to dance, to talk, to flirt, to just enjoy life after I’ve been hurt. This sounds precariously close to some cutting behavior but the emotions and place that this stems from is not rooted in that same frustration and darkness.

I like the bruises, the marks. I like sitting in a normal setting and seeing them on me. Little reminders of how I’m not this cubical. I’m not this acrylic sweater in a non threatening pastel color. I’m not just the chubby girl who you will ignore and who will never be interesting. I’ll have a smile on my lips because I know what I did last night and my skin has the story written on it. It turns me on all over again.

I like pushing myself. I like seeing how much I can take. how far I can go. It’s becoming an unintentional game where I see if I can hold out on my safeword but give enough verbal cues that they call it quits before I do. I want to see how far they will take it, will take me. I want to see if I can hold on until they decide the ride is over. It makes me happier in the end, as if I just finished a marathon, I just crossed the finished line and I get that exuberant feeling.

I like the connection with the person inflicting the pain. I love seeing a sadist smile. They get this gleam in their eye. There’s a connection with them, and I’m always looking for connections with people. Playing with people who are only into sensual sensations gets boring for me, they don’t have that intensity. I want to be used for someone’s pleasure and if that pleasure is the satisfaction of hurting someone, I will oblige.

I wish pain could get me off. I wish I could orgasm from being hurt. Then maybe that fact that it REALLY FUCKING HURTS, won’t matter as much. I feel every bit of the pain inflicted on me. I don’t go into space, I don’t get orgasmic, there is nothing to take my mind off of the fact that I am experiencing lots of pain. Do I like pain? No. Do i like what comes with pain? Yes.

Do I like pain? Am I a heavy bottom? Would I like more? How’s the intensity? Does it feel good? Have you had enough?…
I don’t know how to answer these. Ask me them and prepared to have a confused and irritated bottom on your hands.

Please don’t ask my opinion, Grab me and hurt me, and when I start pleading, curling up in a ball, whimpering, calling you nasty names, laughing a lot, and you’re content, then we can end.

oh hello.

Yesterday I taught a personal record number of students yesterday. 14 in one day. That’s 2, 2hour back to back sessions of 7 students each. That’s 14 pelvic exams in about 4 hours…

In my line of work it’s an entertaining thought to sometimes count your students. I’ve had 39 in one week, 14 in one day, probably around 200 people if not more, have been in my vagina.

I’ve lost 6 lbs in 5 weeks. when you’re a bajillion lbs that’s not much, but I guess it’s a start. I also like to blame on my extremely slow progression on the fact that I’m rebuilding muscle now too so… So there!

Makin’ you hot.

One of my favorite lays was this guy mike. I met him online and went to his place at like 5 in the morning. That could have been really stupid but he turned out to be some average kid about 2 years older then me really nice, quite cute, about my height, about half of my weight, nice arms, played guitar, had a decent job, there was really nothing wrong with him except his apartment was kinda drab, but hey it was a bachelor pad. he kept night hours because he did overnight shifts.

So I get over to his place and after some small talk he asks if he can kiss me, I say Oh sure. so we start making out and he starts touching me, and he’s like, “is this ok”and I say yeah, this i good. That sorta gives him the ok , and we really start getting into it. and then he starts getting a bit animalistic on me. It was really hot.

I don’t think I’ve ever been with anyone who was just that crazy about my body. Guys have been ok with my body, and have been willing to overlook the majority of it because I’m a cool person or I give good head or they just wanted something soft wet and squishy.  There’s been a few guys who’ve tried to LOVE my body to the point of fetishization, grabbing my stomach, rubbing it, licking it, and almost being more into my fa then ME. that was not ok. This guy though was simply just into my body. everything about it, nothing more then the rest, he wanted to touch, lick grab look at, squeeze every inch of me. it was really awesome.

And we fucked, and then when we were done, it was like 10 seconds of laying together and him touching me and he was ready to go again, I apparently made him that hot. He wasn’t the greatest lay, I don’t know if i just made him too excited, but it was very highschool rushed and very standard porn vanilla. omgkissing omgboobies omggirlnaked omghead omglickingpussy omgfuckingin outinoutinout-done, peel off condom, flop down. but just his sheer gusto for ME, made it hot and super fun, he just could not avoid getting hard at the sight of me. We had his highschool style of sex about 5 times in the span of about 2 hours.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt that comfortable. Unfortunately, that was only fleeting, but I just wish I had a little more time like that. I started getting a more daytime schedule and we wound up losing contact.

I like to please people, and I always have this nagging fear or worry that if I’m not directly doing something to my partner I’m not being pleasing overall. It was nice to know that for once being able to lay back and relax was truly undoubtedly pleasing to my partner.

Winter Solstice

The event was good. It was like a large extended version of my normal local friends. I missed seeing all the Philly people. I only went to four classes, Dov’s Hogties class and his Escape artists class, as well as Mollena’s Bitchin’ Bottoms class, and Brittish Lucky Paul’s Electro play class. Dov’s classes made me rethink some things about the way I tie. Mo’s class made me feel better about just being who the fuck I am, which is why I finally wrote an “about” on fetlife. BrittishLuckyPaul’s class was just for funsies becasue I’ve taken a few electro classes before, but ti’s always fun to watch cute girls (IE MissCalico) get tortured. (I’m a sadist…) I also got to feel a rather low voltage taser, which wasn’t that bad.

I spent my first night just sitting at the security desk. It was a LOT of fun. I had a lot of people stopping and talking to me, saying hi to me, giving me hugs. I heckled people, I made new friends. It was really exciting when people I didn’t know would be like, “Oh you’re ammre! I’ve heard about you, your photos on fet are awesome” and that would totally make me feel awkward for a second but also feel really good. I spent a lot of time hanging out with my friend Adam who I kinda felt a slight sexual tension with. Others came over, this guy Brian hung around for a few hours and in my head I labeled him “tall dark and curly”. He was quite nice to look at/listen to/think dirty thoughts about. Apparently, he has been following my twitter for nearly a year now, I had no clue. This other kid Kevin stopped by. I started a running joke that he was 12. He was 20, but looked super young and was kinda talkative and slightly annoying like a little kid. He took my heckling like a champ though so I give him props. The next day he said he turned 13, and since that’s an age he’d apparently accept, He’s now 13. As Adam said, which is worse, a 20 minute painful scene or 8 hours of annoyance and humiliation. If someone can take 8 hours of my annoyance and humiliation they are a champ. So Adam is a champ.

The Next night was fantastic. i got to smack a cute girl around a bit while she was tied up thanks to Blondie. I also got to set up and middle for a violet wand scene with MinaMeow as a top. When she had the contact pad we had a small learning curve with how it could hurt us TOO. More like I leaned back against the chair while holding the wand and the metal rim of the chair zapped me because the ballchain that went to the contact pad was touching the chair. The later mina was dancing around with metallic pompoms and the ballchain was swinging into my shin. It was.. interesting. I had lots of good conversations that night and it was great.

Then I went home at about 3:30am, accidentally woke the dogs, Emily jumped off the bed using mom’s shin as a launching point and tore it open about an inch and a half. I had to clean up the blood puddles she was leaving behind, clean her shin up, bandage it, get her to the hospital and get her taken care of. The adrenaline was pumping hard in me so I wasn’t emotionally reaching or feeling any body pain, but once that dropped, oh god i felt like hammered shit.

I slept till 2 the next day, I went to the event late, and I was pretty useless. I got to have a lovely diner with blondie, aries, shelby, mystic, starfire and a few others though. I just felt so emotionally and physically drained form the night before and everything fucking hurt. I felt like I wanted to cry the whole day because I was strung so tight. I also was jonesing for play, to bottom to someone, but it didn’t happen, partially because I didn’t allow it considering the state my body was in, with a still open surgical wound. so it didn’t end on the best note.

Overall it was kinda small, but it’s tough to take something that was a multi-day event for LOCALS and turn it into a hotel event. Hotel events are normally for the benefit of people traveling from afar. I do give props to the organizers, for as small as it was, it was pretty well done and they worked their asses off. It was a really nice way for m to get back into the scene, and it was a nice way to start off the new year.

the top is my post surgical tattoo, the bottom is my tattoo a few months ago.

Surgery… the long version!

My surgery was yesterday… Getting to the hospital sucked. I was instructed to wash up well before I came in but washing up requires a lot of movement and I wasn’t taking any meds to help that morning. So I was sore before it even came time to walk out to a vehicle. Then samm had a tough night falling asleep so I said maybe mom could take me and she could meet me when I woke up. Which for her was a goo plan but when it came time it turned out to be painful and stupid on my part. We should have asked to borrow her car, I had a hard time getting in and out of the truck. Mom’s door dosn’t work so she had to climb in before me,So i had to get to it/get in without help. Then the seat wouldn’t go back so i was in pain for a long while until I could figure out how to wist and settle in. Also the truck has pretty crappy shocks so it was bouncy the whole way. Major suckage. Then when we got to the hospital, I think we were the first ones there. A security guard was thankfully in the lobby and came out and helped me out of the truck, then helped me walk in and down to where I had to check in. I was super thankful for him since mom couldn’t do it because she had to deal with the truck. That’s another place where an extra person would have been super helpful. Finally got down to the check in area, checked in, and had to sit int heir waiting room for a bit before they called my name to register me. Sitting blows. I was curled up on one of their chairs, all hunched over and breathing heavy. Some lady asked me If i needed help in this almost patronizing voice used for little kids and grand parents… ugh. I almost wanted to say, No, I need SURGERY, bitch, but instead I said, No, thank you though. After being registered I asked if I could lay down, and so they told me I could lay on the benches in the hallway, which were only remotely better due to the fact that they weren’t wide enough to curl up right.

Finally after about a hour they called me into pre-op and had me pee in a cup and then lay down and get in the icky gown. They pulled the curtain around my bed and told me if i needed help to jsut call. After I got out of my clothes and into the gown i said Hello? and someone came over. i asked them if they could put the back of the bed down as being on an angle would hurt. So she did, then tried to cover me with a blanket and I said, Please no, I’m boiling hot. Normally they keep the pre-op room really cold. Everyone else was in blankets and sweaters. Several nurses came over and tried to put my bed up and cover me with the blanket, because they just did not realize it was not comfortable for me. The gown had these little vents in it that you could plug into the wall to pump warm air into the gown, Clearly I did not need that. They did give me a sheet so i could move around without exposing myself to the world.

My dr’s assistant came over and went over the surgery with me. i asked a bunch of questions and she marked my back. I wish I hd asked her about specific things i should and should not do during healing. I asked about healing time and she essentially gave me the long term view, but I mean, how long will the hole in my back be worry-some, how long until i should be walking a bit and doing shit. Then the anesthesiologist came over to talk to me, and he was super nice. We went over what he was going to do and that he was going to give me a breathing tube once I was out and remove it just before I came to. He mentioned I’d have a scratchy throat for a day or so and he was right. it’s mostly better now, but i’m still a little cough-y. I thought he was kinda cute for an older dude. Then the head OR nurse taked to me briefly and said “Ya ready?!” and I was like, Well i don’t see why not! So she wheeled me off to the OR. I cracked little jokes the whole way, and put my arms up in a super hero pose of “Up up and away!” At one point the Dr’s assistant grabbed the front of the bed and the Or nurse accidentally sorta broke the IV pole and knocked of some of the IV bags, and In my infinite wisdom I said “Hold!” and the assistant stopped pulling, it was awesome. Then when the nurse picked up the bags, I said “Game on!” and they went. Doubly awesome.

When we went into the OR I was introduced to the rest of the team and I was super nice and said shit like :pleased to make your acquaintance!” I think they liked me. Everyone was asking me what procedure I was going to have today. I think it was a question to 1-make sure I knew, 2-make sure there was no mix up ever. At one point I was very tempted to fuck with them and say “Oh a hysterectomy!” Because that’s what the lady 2 curtains down was having. In the OR they asked me what procedure and Dr I was having was, and I responded, “I’m having a Lumbar Microdiscectomy on the disc in the L4-L5 space, performed by Dr Carl Geordano and this lovely team” and they kinda chuckled and wow’d at me and commented that I was paying attention. On the OR table it almost looked like it was being used for storage. There was a box on one end, some strange orange V shaped arches in the middle that kinda looked like a mutant boating lifesaver, and then a stack of like 8 pillows. I think at some point while I was out they managed to get my fat ass in some strange position on that table, but when I was wheeled in I was thinking to myself, “Oh please don’t ask me to climb out of bed and figure out how to climb up onto that!”. The anesthesiologist injected a relaxer into my IV, and i joked “oh this is going to make things mushy eh?” and then a few seconds later i said “Woah, not smooshy, more like fuzzy and smooshey” he told me he hd to get me on my back before he could knock me out. I wasn’t feeling much after the first injection so I just rolled onto by back, and he thought he was going to have to help me more so it suprised him and so he was like, Oh ok well then!” and then……. I was waking up!

It went well, much better then I expected. Everyone I dealt with was real nice/friendly. They answered most all of my questions to the best of their ability. I made some of them smile or chuckle. I went under and I woke up thinking, I’m comfy, maybe 5 more min? After a while I realized I was in recovery and I should probably wake up for realz. They asked me how I was doing and let me now that when I felt ready I could work on going home. I was like, i can go home? and they were like, yup when you feel ready. I was like, Well let’s go! Which looking back i think I should have taken advantage of a few more hours of sleep but I wasn’t allowed visitors in that room and I wanted mommy and samm to see me. So they wheeled me out into another room where I managed to get up out of bed and sit in one of those hospital lounge chairs. I got some ginger ale to drink which was amazing for my dry mouth and samm and mommy came in. After a bit I put on clothes and then samm and mom went to fetch cars and a nurse got me into a wheel chair and wheeled me up to the door and then out to samm’s car. And thus I got home!

I had lots of visitors yesterday while I was still mostly doped up. I got to see teh nikki, and skewerl which was UH-MAZING. Then I had trish over and then ten, tiffany, liz and paula with her spiffy new car… it was fantastic. All that estrogen! I feel like I said “I love you guys” a million times because of my appreciation… and a lot of drugs.

The pain in my bum/hip/leg/ankle/foot is ALL GONE! I’ve got some pretty heavy numbness going on on my outer left shin down to my toes, but I’ve heard most, if not all, of that should fade away. I’ve got pain at the incision site which is to be expected. It’s right on my first tattoo. Boo! I can’t twist and I shouldn’t sit upright for much time, but I can recline and walk. changing positions or moving around in bed is the worst. Walking is seriously weak. It doesn’t hurt but Ive got some good atrophy and weakness going on. My legs shake when I walk and I can’t straighten them properly. I hold onto things so i don’t loose my balance since that fine motor skill is gone. I’ve got some slight nausea going on. part of the wearing of anesthesia, but also from the steroids I’m taking to reduce inflammation. Thankfully while I’m taking a large dose of them now, I should be cutting my doses in half soon, then weaned off it pretty quickly. When i feel icky I start hugging a large plastic bowl, I figure if I’m prepared to vomit, it won’t actually happen.

All in all, for a first surgery and hopefully the last for a long while, this went swimmingly. now it’s just a matter of making sure I heal right, regaining my strength/motor abilities, and taking super fucking good care of my back!

yeah I might be cracking

Update: I don’t know how I was blessed with such amazing people in my life, but you guys are awesome. My surgery is on the 7th and after we’ll see how much that costs… but for now, thanks to you’re generocity, I’ve caught up and i’m no longer juggling who i afford to partially pay each month.

Thank you so much. You have all brought me to tears several times. I owe a huge karmic debt.

________________________________________________
I don’t want to take donations from people. I always have this icky feeling when I take money from people who aren’t immediate family. Unfortunately my resources are officially tapped. My mom can’t afford to help me much more. I’m now basically sinking in debt.
Morristown Memorial Doctor’s bill – 373.00 Paid thanks to you guys!
Robert Wood Johnson Doctor’s bill – 202.00 Paid thanks to you guys!
Robert Wood Johnson ER’s bill – 227.46 Paid thanks to you guys!

I’m having a discectomy surgery. I’m not sure what the costs I’ll have to pay out of pocket for this are. Hopefully the charity care will cover most of it, but I’m not sure.

School loans are less crucial, but they are still things that are accumulating and threatening me in debt. The past due is what scares me.
Federal School Loan – 184.84 past due (5,692.27 total)
Granite State loan – 248 past due (2,625.00 total)
So if you wanna help, I guess I’ll take it. It’s about time I learned to ask for help.

Post more ehh?

So i’m home all the time at the moment. I’ve gotten myself good and injured and I can’t do much. I thought that this would make my blog boring. I really wanted to posts lots of stuff about sexual explots and deep thoughts…

But i’m such a lazy writer.

Even though I’ve been super bored, i default to crappy tv or watching movies online or whining on twitter… I need to start using my time to put down thoughts and build real catalogs of my life. I thinkthat might be better.

I’ve got a google wave invite, nanowrimo is going on, my blog is back online, maybe something can inspire me to do more.