I am a poster girl with no poster.

when asked if you’re human

My favorite response is “No, I am a meat popsicle”

But that didn’t fit in the line, SO

“yes” is the correct answer.

tesfest

Quick rundown of the awesome…

Friday- Got to watch the beginnings of a REALLY FUCKING HOT scene in which Jim polished ClaireAdams’s boots, while next to them her partner DamienPierce tied up and beat on MissCalico. om nom nom. Something about those 4 together was scintillating.

Then I went over and tried to put my hand in the lovely Becci, which dind’t happen, but the attempt was fun. I gave her lots of orgasms. Then Aiden stuck his hand in me and gave me warm tinglies when he commented that he liked the whimpers I made and the flush i got.Then I got to beat up and flog Becci’s bum for a bit. That was fun. She’s cute when she runs away.

Saturday- Had a scene with Parker that involved a rope partial, an ass hook, the slight realization I could be into leather as I ran my hand down the back of his leather vest, some kissing and some punching. Then the winch set free and while it was momentarily exciting trying to land and maintain balance, it was a bummer that it ended the scene so awkwardly. Afterward we parted ways really oddly and it made me sad.

Then out in the courtyard I helped rig up MsSamber for a suspension/fisting. It was weird because i was in a fucked up headspace which made me frustrated easily, but finally she was up in a position that was comfortable enough to support the rest of the activities that was intended. I probably shouldn’t have been playing with rope like that but i was only assisting, not taking charge. Between that and getting to beat the everliving pulp out of Tiff’s ass I got over my funk. Tiff has such a cute butt and apparently she appreciates that I have a heavy hand. I blame being a hand drummer; I’m used to slapping metal, plastic, and skin.

Sunday- While in the dynamic suspension class with Cherries Jubalie and Monekyfetish as the demo-dom. Someone asked about doing a dynamic suspension with someone who isn’t quite as in shape as Cherries, and so I managed to get myself volunteered. A gunslinger, and some ankle points later, I’m up playing around in a suspension. It was so much fun. I haven’t been suspended since before my injury. It was fantastic even if it was just a show and tell class kind of thing.

Then that evening I worked my volunteer hours at Cloud 9. I felt surprisingly comfortable giving massages. It fits well into my desire to please and bring pleasure to others. Just laying my hands on their skin and feeling them and feeling what could make them release and relax… I wish I could figure out minds as well as I can figure out bodies. I think I want to learn more about giving good massages.

hung out near the wrestling mats for just a second too long after cloud 9 and I managed to take a wildly swinging heel to the shin, which turned into a GIANT painful welt in minutes. It SUCKED. I do not like unsexy-bruises. After that I met up with Doug and we played a bit in the cloud 9 room. It was mostly just sensation. A knife, his hands, a flogger and a Hitachi. The Hitachi never made it to my genitals. It did make it to my jaw, my temple, my sternum, and pressed against a hand that had a finger up my nose. I have to say it was easily one of the strangest scenes ever but it felt really comfortable. He also cut my shirt off. NOM.

Later on that night, at about 4 in the morning, I wound up lamenting my lack of sexy bruises a little too close to the hearing of a sadist. So I was whipped a little then punched and taken down. It was excelent. The grass was fucking itchy though. He managed not to leave and visible bruises aside form the marks where he wrapped the whip around my throat, which I thought was hot, but makes it tough to be around my mom. Turtlenecks are not an option in 100 degree weather. The rest of my body felt bruised as shit but there wasn’t any discoloration form his punches.  While I like bruises it definitely made going home easier.

Yanno, I thought I didn’t do much at TESFest but after typing this and thinking of whether or not to add all the little things I did as well, I realized, Holy fuck, i did a lot. It dind’t feel like it because there was empty spots and dirty longings, but in the end I got to touch a LOT of people. Yay!

mind the gap.

My mind is my biggest erogenous zone. I know that’s pretty common and that lots of erotic intellectuals say that but I can’t stress how true it is.

I was at a party once. I got an OTK spanking. The guy was smacking my ass, rubbing my butt cheeks, fingering me, and other things. I was kinda MEH about the whole thing. I mean it was more entertaining then sitting around looking for someone else to play with, but it wasn’t really what I wanted to do. He wasn’t the kind of person that tickled the dirty parts of my brain.

Also at the party, my friend told me a story of how he’s mindfucking this girl who hates electro play. he describes the scene and the set up in a low tone with his face close to my neck, and his voice low. Now this guy overall isn’t someone I’m visually attracted to, but in that moment, telling that story. I was squirming. I could feel parts of my body buzzing… He dind’t even touch me but all it took was some words, some proximity, that electricity of actually not touching at all… It was hot to me. He wasn’t even talking about doing things to me either, but the twistedness and proximity and such just did it.

It’s the mind that gets me.

winkakkake

Two thumbs up and one hand up...

This was taken by Robert Neroini at Wendy Blackheart’s anal fisting class at Brimstone.

A handy ass…

At brimstone I was the demo bottom for wendyblackheart’s anal fisting class. It was awesome. I naired my crack, I gave myself some enemas and I did my best trying to make my bum look awesome. While I was waiting I prepared a tweet so I could live tweet her hand in my bum. Then later on kitten twitpic’d an image of her hand up my bum…

anal style

So yeah that was a fun class. I didn’t get off but I definitely got WAAAAYYY aroused and really stimulated/frustrated. (I don’t orgasm around other people. evar.)

Hopefully I’ll tell you about the rest of my weekend at Brimstone and I’ll ave more pictures for you. I totally tied up and got tied up. I still have bruises on my arm to prove it….. Ahh good times.

I could have danced all night

I have a mentor fetish. I touched on it a little in my littles post, but I was entertained by the thought about the movie “My Fair Lady”. It was one of my favorite movies as a kid. It was about a girl who sought to be in a way subservient to a guy in return for education to the point where she actually surpassed him.She also did come to love him.

A friend pointed out that Henry Higgins was a bsdm dom role model for him. This made me think about the fact that I needed Pickering too. Higgins was too whiny. Do this get me that, I stubbed my toe WAHHH, It’s one thing to be demanding it’s another to be a baby. But Pickering was the one who stopped and took a second to care for the mentee as well. I’d need both of those characters (Ideally as one, because I don’t think I’d be able to respect Higgens alone or feel the power shift with just Pickering)

The thing that started this all was the fact that my room is clean-ish and my bed was made* and I thought in my head, I made my bed, sir, can we fuck now? I’m a GOOD girl, I am!”

If I ever start talking in a bad cockney accent, you’re welcome to slap my face and tell me “In Hartford, Herrisford and Hampshire, Hurricanes Hardly ever Happen!” to which I’d counter, “Git yer ownn schooz!” to which you can say “The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plains!” and that would be hotter then any OTK I think I could receive. (I’ve got an OTK story! That’ll be for another time!)

*having a clean and presentable room is a turn on for me, makes me feel all adult like, and makes me want to have company over to be in my bed.

my inner little

I’m not a little in that common idea of the term. I don’t like to have huge stuffed animals, outlandish bright colors, big doe eyes, pigtails, and pigeon toes. Heck, that wasn’t how I was as a kid either.

I do get little feelings sometimes, but I’m pretty sure they are normal feelings that are associated into the little identity just because I see it reflected in my friends who ARE littles.

I’d like to have someone to be a parental figure. I’m into having someone who is smarter/wiser/more learned guiding me and molding me. I’ve always wanted to be the best in the class, to catch on the quickest to make my teacher/parents/mentors proud. People who are more intelligent or are wiser turn me on because I want to tap into that and learn from them. I’m an unintentional brown noser and not because I want to be awesome by association, but rather that I hope to learn how to be awesome myself.

I’d like someone who could be a bit of my protector. This post was inspired by a friend’s post about the song “breathe me” by Sia. He said when he feels that the daddy within him ache to hold his girl. Inversely, when I hear that song I ache to be held by someone. To surrender my trust and well being into someone’s hands for a bit. I can’t remember the last time I relaxed into someone’s arms.

Also, I’d like the discipline. I’m not always good at making sure I’m doing the right things. Sometimes it seems like it would be nice to have someone who will correct me when I fuck up.

But while this SOUNDS so nice…

I’m 5′10″, 300lbs, skeptical and I’ve been single for 6 years. That means I’m kinda large and intimidating so I don’t really need protecting and cuddling me is kinda like trying to cuddle a pitbull. I don’t really learn well from other people because half the time when they say something I go home and google it anyway. I’m skeptical about believing things from one source only. Since I’ve been single for so long, i’m ok at being sexual but horrible at being intimate, so cuddling is almost always awkward. Lastly, try telling me what to do will generally get most people ignored or yelled at. I’ve been on my own for too long and have figured out how to make my own decisions.

But the thought is nice.

BDSM in public…

AKA  “Why i’m not worried about offending you.”

I’m fat. That’s not going to change. Even if I diet like a fiend and make a huge lifestyle change, I’ll probably never get under 240lbs without some horrible invasive surgery. having said that, something new struck me recently.

I was looking at a picture that compared a girl in a cosplay outfit who was plus size, but not overly so, to another girl playing the same character but who was thin. Both outfits were well done but thinner one was shot in a professional portrait setting, so they probably had a better shot at presenting their costume nicely. The general consensus was that the larger girl was repulsive and should not be out like that. Some people made statements like “whale” or “put her out of her misery”. It seemed as if they were offended by having to look even voluntarily at an image of a large girl, god forbid if they were in the same space as her too!

Then there’s meme roth and all her fat shaming bullshit she’s spewing which is really just a product of our media society. God forbid the fatties live alongside these bastions of thin. As if thin people are never irritating to be near, or never have health problems. God, fat people are made fun of all over, and even if there’s a fat person at a gym they are still made fun of when clearly they are trying to change.

So if simply existing and not being absolutely ashamed of myself, was reason that others are offended, then why should I be so damn worried about offending their delicate sensibilities in other ways?

Combine that with people who simply offend me with no concern… people who talk on the phone (bluetooth headsets in particular) really fucking loud, people who wear perfume that makes me sneeze and have mini asthma attacks, people who wear their pants way too fucking low, people who use homophobic slurs in common language, people who call the entire area of the vulva the vagina, people who sport conservative or stupid bumperstickers, or the ideals behind them… Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh… The list goes on.

Mash all these things together and you have an atmosphere where I stop caring if I’m offending you and I jsut start enjoying myself. I’ll still be a good person. I’ll still hold the door for you, tip well, let you cross the street, and other courteous things, but don’t be suprized if I’m wearing my pro-abortion t-shirt while doing it, or if I’ve got a leash on, or my knees tied together and my panties stuffed in my mouth with tape.

I don’t care if my existence offends you.

ouch?

Do I like pain?
Fuck, I don’t know.

I like the endorphins pain gives me. The feeling of rushy flight that comes with sore muscles and tender skin. I just want to breathe, and I feel so clear and in the moment. I feel so bubbly. I want to dance, to talk, to flirt, to just enjoy life after I’ve been hurt. This sounds precariously close to some cutting behavior but the emotions and place that this stems from is not rooted in that same frustration and darkness.

I like the bruises, the marks. I like sitting in a normal setting and seeing them on me. Little reminders of how I’m not this cubical. I’m not this acrylic sweater in a non threatening pastel color. I’m not just the chubby girl who you will ignore and who will never be interesting. I’ll have a smile on my lips because I know what I did last night and my skin has the story written on it. It turns me on all over again.

I like pushing myself. I like seeing how much I can take. how far I can go. It’s becoming an unintentional game where I see if I can hold out on my safeword but give enough verbal cues that they call it quits before I do. I want to see how far they will take it, will take me. I want to see if I can hold on until they decide the ride is over. It makes me happier in the end, as if I just finished a marathon, I just crossed the finished line and I get that exuberant feeling.

I like the connection with the person inflicting the pain. I love seeing a sadist smile. They get this gleam in their eye. There’s a connection with them, and I’m always looking for connections with people. Playing with people who are only into sensual sensations gets boring for me, they don’t have that intensity. I want to be used for someone’s pleasure and if that pleasure is the satisfaction of hurting someone, I will oblige.

I wish pain could get me off. I wish I could orgasm from being hurt. Then maybe that fact that it REALLY FUCKING HURTS, won’t matter as much. I feel every bit of the pain inflicted on me. I don’t go into space, I don’t get orgasmic, there is nothing to take my mind off of the fact that I am experiencing lots of pain. Do I like pain? No. Do i like what comes with pain? Yes.

Do I like pain? Am I a heavy bottom? Would I like more? How’s the intensity? Does it feel good? Have you had enough?…
I don’t know how to answer these. Ask me them and prepared to have a confused and irritated bottom on your hands.

Please don’t ask my opinion, Grab me and hurt me, and when I start pleading, curling up in a ball, whimpering, calling you nasty names, laughing a lot, and you’re content, then we can end.

oh hello.

Yesterday I taught a personal record number of students yesterday. 14 in one day. That’s 2, 2hour back to back sessions of 7 students each. That’s 14 pelvic exams in about 4 hours…

In my line of work it’s an entertaining thought to sometimes count your students. I’ve had 39 in one week, 14 in one day, probably around 200 people if not more, have been in my vagina.

I’ve lost 6 lbs in 5 weeks. when you’re a bajillion lbs that’s not much, but I guess it’s a start. I also like to blame on my extremely slow progression on the fact that I’m rebuilding muscle now too so… So there!

Makin’ you hot.

One of my favorite lays was this guy mike. I met him online and went to his place at like 5 in the morning. That could have been really stupid but he turned out to be some average kid about 2 years older then me really nice, quite cute, about my height, about half of my weight, nice arms, played guitar, had a decent job, there was really nothing wrong with him except his apartment was kinda drab, but hey it was a bachelor pad. he kept night hours because he did overnight shifts.

So I get over to his place and after some small talk he asks if he can kiss me, I say Oh sure. so we start making out and he starts touching me, and he’s like, “is this ok”and I say yeah, this i good. That sorta gives him the ok , and we really start getting into it. and then he starts getting a bit animalistic on me. It was really hot.

I don’t think I’ve ever been with anyone who was just that crazy about my body. Guys have been ok with my body, and have been willing to overlook the majority of it because I’m a cool person or I give good head or they just wanted something soft wet and squishy.  There’s been a few guys who’ve tried to LOVE my body to the point of fetishization, grabbing my stomach, rubbing it, licking it, and almost being more into my fa then ME. that was not ok. This guy though was simply just into my body. everything about it, nothing more then the rest, he wanted to touch, lick grab look at, squeeze every inch of me. it was really awesome.

And we fucked, and then when we were done, it was like 10 seconds of laying together and him touching me and he was ready to go again, I apparently made him that hot. He wasn’t the greatest lay, I don’t know if i just made him too excited, but it was very highschool rushed and very standard porn vanilla. omgkissing omgboobies omggirlnaked omghead omglickingpussy omgfuckingin outinoutinout-done, peel off condom, flop down. but just his sheer gusto for ME, made it hot and super fun, he just could not avoid getting hard at the sight of me. We had his highschool style of sex about 5 times in the span of about 2 hours.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt that comfortable. Unfortunately, that was only fleeting, but I just wish I had a little more time like that. I started getting a more daytime schedule and we wound up losing contact.

I like to please people, and I always have this nagging fear or worry that if I’m not directly doing something to my partner I’m not being pleasing overall. It was nice to know that for once being able to lay back and relax was truly undoubtedly pleasing to my partner.