20 Mar 2013, 8:55pm
thought process

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Me! by http://www.adrianbuckmaster.com/

30 May 2012, 3:10am
dirty talk

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What a roller coaster of an event. One second I hated it. (Oh hey look, a HUGE room full of male riggers tying up girls, and no way for me to figure out how to make friends) Then the next second I loved it. (Oh hey! there’s the folks I know, and people I’ve played with and oh look, we are keeping each other company and playing, YES!) I got some nice time with Eisko, and it was kinda nice to simply have human contact as they fell asleep against me and I played draw something. Then saturday night they tied me up with some super mean rope and yeah, it was fun. Then Sunday S_C came up to my booth and I popped up and greeted her, and she mentioned that she had time that evening and so we made a date. and then the fantastic lolita wolf used me as a demo bottom for a class. My date sunday night was So amazing. Slow tying filled in with awesome conversation. then a sideways suspension with lots of changes and beating and breath play and spinning. So much fun. I think I have a crush.


The first night was the male dom showoff night I think, then the crowd relaxed and grew more diverse. By sunday night there was a lot more impact mixed in and a lot more female riggers too. Yay!

Lizard Brain

It’s interesting when the lizard brain kicks in. When your logic gives up and you mind fights for it’s basic survival mode. Fear takes over. I’ve rarely been pushed there though intensity.

I Played with S_C once and she put her hand over my mouth and nose. Previously we had been to a breath play class together. She knew this was something I was into and excited about. She’s the first person who’s ever pushed me. People will do it for a few seconds and then let up quickly but This was a good 45 seconds until I started having diaphragm contractions. I didn’t want to fight her because she was supposed to be in control int he scene, but the lizard brain kicked in and said “No, fucker, you should be breathing!” So contractions and some thrashing happened. I did have enough mobility that I could have used my hands to free my face, but I never did. I guess lizard brain isn’t a complete winner.

my first…

I remember mallrats was on in the background. We were on his dorm bed which was hiked up with bed risers. It was on Bush campus. I remember being naked with our heads at the foot of the bed. I remember him asking “Are you sure” before he entered me.

I don’t know if it is haunting me or if it is a sacred moment, but it hurts. Fuck does it hurt.

4 Feb 2012, 7:06pm
thought process

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ok fine brain…

I still like him. I have tried to ignore it, but I’m curious where he is, and what he’s doing.

Thankfully I have other distractions like V. who makes me jumbalayah, then punches me and fucks me and likes my socks. Then there’s the dude who keeps me on my toes with sarcasm and a full sink of dishes. Then work, who is a cruel mistress, always keeping me from things.


Sunday night was myth. the ening started out rocky. I missed getting into NYC when I wanted to. I went to the pre-myth munch but didn’t meet as many people as I had hoped to. Then we headed over to a friend’s to get ready. Alas there was a typo in the address and instead of walking 2 blocks, we walked 25 blocks. (there and back again, as I was apparently parked across the street form her place). We quickly got ready and rushed out the door. We got to Myth and there was a line and it took a while to get in. Argh. So the day of Sunday really frustrated me and made me feel bummed, but I did NOT want it messing with my night.


The party kinda totally rocked. I was in awe at the fact that everywhere I looked there were people who would interest me, and scenes that were hot to me. I bumped into a few people early on that I talked with for a while. My friend Tiger from back in the firespinning days was there and we talked a bunch. The ginger was with me as my buddy and I kept teasing him through the silk skirt I got him to wear. I orchestrated a suspension for Tiger with MrBlue. While watching them, in the background I kept watching another hot scene with seram wrap and strapons and other stuff. Between that, all the folks around me, and constantly teasing the ginger, I was going nuts, so off to the bathroom we went. I moved the garbage can away from the corner and we made out and fucked. Then He pushed his hand inside of me and got me so close to orgasm it was infuriating. There were other folks all around us walking past to use the bathrooms or sinks, or to find another nook or surface to play on. There was something kinda hot about moving a garbage can so you can fuck up against a wall in a nightclub bathroom in NYC. I mean really… I think the “dirty” factor makes it twisted and hot to me.

We finished up and headed out to wander around the party and see what was happening. I ran into Shair. I had talked with him perviously about playing at the party. i knew he wanted to play but he felt scared/intimidated by the thought of playing in public. We ran back to the bathroom and his Mythbuddy, Am, came too. We pulled an ottoman into the bathroom, I took off my underwear and put them down on the edge between my rear and the ottoman and leaned back. Shair put on a glove and lubed up and pushed his hand inside of me. Am was staying back because they didn’t know me, but I invited them closer and said they didn’t have to feel like a stranger. They did come closer and held a leg which became some petting as well. Next to us was another scene with about 4 people, the center person was hooded and having their thighs beaten between being forced to orgasm. The harley/ivy duo came in and cheered us on for a bit and then ran off again. We eventually broke up partly to see a nazi interrogation scene, and also because I didn’t want to be too sore for work the next morning.

As I was sitting waiting to voyeur the interrogation scene, Eisko came over and asked if they could hurt me, and I said “of course” and so they sat on me and tied my hands back and hurt me a bit. There were some unfortunate limitations because I had to be able to teach a breast and pelvic exam in about 8 hours. All of my backside was ok though so eventually they had me get up and lay across the bar and started sawing me. Yes, I saw SAWING. They had a cross cut saw and they dragged the blade edge against my body… It felt like constantly being scratched in the same place. It became super intense feeling. At first I thought, “well they don’t want to have to deal with open wounds in a place like this, so really, what harm could it do?” But it did manage to hurt a bunch and fuck with my brain a little. (The shower a few hours later HURT SO BAD, and I still have scratches)The last thing they did was grabbed my hair and held my face still firmly against the counter top, and then they ran the saw against the back of my neck. My brain flashed upon the videos I’ve seen of people being beheaded. I couldn’t tell if I was horrified, excited, or turned on. I do know my logic was feeling a bit warp-y though.

I managed to make out with a few people throughout the night and make some friends. It was fantastic. Then I poked my friend Aid and asked if they were still interested as I said we would play, but it was getting late. They were still interested. So they beat the outer parts of my thighs, and my shoulder blades and it hurt. I’ve hit people, I know mean spots… These were mean spots. Considering the limitations I put out though and the time contraint, quick and dirty in shitty spots was the ticket. It was awesome and I look forward to playing with them again when we have more time and more body parts available.

Annnddd then we went home, and I stayed up all night and went to work the next morning and finally went to bed around 4pm the next day next to the gingerboy.


It was lovely.

Holding it together, breaking it apart.

Could I just perhaps not be sane, strong and composed?

I knew he was leaving so I knew to detach. I know the exact night I was able to do that. He got drunk. It was uncharacteristically sloppy of him but I’ve seen my share of drunk people so that really didn’t phase me. Being kept away and kept out of the loop did phase me a little. Later on that night he told me that I was probably desensitizing myself with my hitatchi after I tried to use it while he was inside me. It stung. I knew from that second on I would not be orgasming with him or probably anyone else for a long time or ever again. Finally, we talked about how he had almost all his most amazing orgasms with this one person and how their bodies fit perfectly. I like hearing about people’s sex this stung for me personally because I knew that was something I probably could never give him.

Well I wanted to detach, so there it was. After that night I noticed I didn’t care as much about what he was doing in a given week. If he wanted to tell me, sure, I’d be interested, but I wasn’t randomly wondering what he was doing. We still had some fantastic moments before he left but by the time that he was gone, I realized it was hard for me to pin down whether I liked HIM or the intimacy I was able to have to have with him.

I thought not being emotionally attached would make it easier. Unfortunately, I’m still stuck with this overwhelming feeling of lonelyness. I dislike when emotions win out over logic. I enjoy being a stable and solid person who is not prone to emotional break down or whimsy. I may write about it every now and then, but in person I am able to maintain a relatively calm and composed state. That’s why I tried to be as levelheaded about him as I could. Detach, become logical, enjoy the moments but say goodbye and mean it. Be ok with never seeing them again and if you do happen to see them again, well that’s nice. Be cold, calm, calculated.

There are just times when I wish I could let go and be an emotional wreck. Be nuts, fall apart, cry, depend on someone else’s strength… Perhaps if I can give that up I can actually become close to someone. I highly doubt that will come anytime soon as I would rather be logical and alone, then a mess and with someone. It’s just tiring and lonely, and instead of falling apart on someone I eat a bunch, sleep and feel guilty for being lazy… lather, rinse, repete.


I got fingerprinted today for a new job (in a school system) and there was a herd of deer at the location I went to. I was taking pictures of them when one came up to me and started licking my hand. The guy who does fingerprinting gives them leftovers. I think this guy wanted lunch. It was SO COOL and they have soft tongues.



One ever present.

Contentment vs Elite.

Contentment, enjoying what you have, embracing the lowbrow, the dirt, soil, sweat, labor backbone of the human experience, also mob mentality, lesser education, eat the weak.

Elite, seeking enlightenment, seeking higher education and greater values of thought. art, high-brow, couture, sophistication, social justice, snobbery. disdain.

another thought:

People need, and they want. We as humans want to be valued and we want to feel special. “Love” We seek love from those we love or place value on. Once a person gets their basic needs met food, water, shelter, etc, the next thing they see is love, or to have a value put on their life. Religious or spiritual people often place that onus on their gods, desiring the favor of their gods, giving their life meaning. People with a good or high self esteem often feel that within themselves, as they love themselves and since they love themselves, getting love from themselves… well it’s a constant cycle until something happens to diminish their view of themselves to where their own love becomes not uplifting anymore. Some people are devoted to having a partner. that one person who views them as so damn special that they can function without each other. They love the other person, so they require a love back to make them feel special. If joe schmore loves molliesue, and mollie sue has no desire, intrest or value in joeschmoe then joeschmoe’s love holds no value… It’s like the love is the paper currency, but the desire to feel valued by someone who you value is the gold that backs that paper. love being jsut a way to find value in your life. monogamy touches on people’s inherent fear of not being special, not having a value. They need that one person who they value to value them back and only them, or else they don’t have a value and they feel of less value. If their partner values another similarly then there’s a deflation of that currency. Even poly that has a tier system has a note of this in that. It’s a step in a good direction. “Well I have to be the most special, but then others can be a little bit special”. Some people find love and value through a hobby. They value that hobby or job or skill and so when they feel they have contributed to it and that hobby has been bettered because of their contribution they have value. they love what they do, and shit the collection of trains or whatever loves them back because that’s a damn amazing collection of trains. Addicts are loved by their addictions. People need to at least value themselves somewhat or they will die of their own making. Abusive relationships come from when one person tears away all the other sources of value from another’s life and makes them dependent on the abusers value aka “love”.

Applying logic to an illogical emotion. I believe that’s called psychology. It’s a damn good thing I never went into psychology. I’d be shit at it. I’d also offend every person who is into monogamy.

That being said. I know that inside me there is a desire to feel special and loved. I’m hoping that if I temper it consistently with patience and logic, I will seek value from those who are worthy; of my family, of my friends, of lovers, of mentors, of me…

And there’s that fight for balance!. The desire to feel special (Contentment) verses the desire to be a well rounded, enlightened, omnilovingish kind of person (Elite) I’d like to say that my logic makes becoming elite, in this case, what I want to do. Unfortunately, I can’t help this instinctual drive to find people to make me feel special (content). I guess this is more a compromise then a balance, but it’s so stinkin’ similar.


fuckfuckfuck brain stop it. I hate thinking laterally. I should have drawn this in a diagram but it would have been illegible.

happy new year.

We’ve had sex many times before. It’s been some of the most amazing sex. I’ve had orgasms. That’s nuts. Yet for some reason I feel stupid giddy about the sex we had last night. There was a party going on we headed off to bed but there were other folks already sleeping in the room. We cuddled as we meant to fall asleep, but there was contact, lips, hands, heat… I wanted to feel him. He wanted me, too.

In n impulsive moment we decided to go out to the yurt. The chill had moved people inside and out of the yurt. By the glow of christmas lights he bent me over and entered me. Our fleece coats still on, my boots pressing into the damp earth… I was sore from him the night before. It hurt a little bit at first, which of course turned me on so much. He came. Our clothing was reassembled. We held eachother and kissed and talked and I felt so good. It felt young and stupid and passionate and silly and and and so many things at once.

In bed we held each other as we fell asleep. In the morning, I kissed him goodbye.