Me! by http://www.adrianbuckmaster.com/
It’s interesting when the lizard brain kicks in. When your logic gives up and you mind fights for it’s basic survival mode. Fear takes over. I’ve rarely been pushed there though intensity.
I Played with S_C once and she put her hand over my mouth and nose. Previously we had been to a breath play class together. She knew this was something I was into and excited about. She’s the first person who’s ever pushed me. People will do it for a few seconds and then let up quickly but This was a good 45 seconds until I started having diaphragm contractions. I didn’t want to fight her because she was supposed to be in control int he scene, but the lizard brain kicked in and said “No, fucker, you should be breathing!” So contractions and some thrashing happened. I did have enough mobility that I could have used my hands to free my face, but I never did. I guess lizard brain isn’t a complete winner.
dirty talk thought process: daily life family introspection thinking woah WTF
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I remember mallrats was on in the background. We were on his dorm bed which was hiked up with bed risers. It was on Bush campus. I remember being naked with our heads at the foot of the bed. I remember him asking “Are you sure” before he entered me.
I don’t know if it is haunting me or if it is a sacred moment, but it hurts. Fuck does it hurt.
I still like him. I have tried to ignore it, but I’m curious where he is, and what he’s doing.
Thankfully I have other distractions like V. who makes me jumbalayah, then punches me and fucks me and likes my socks. Then there’s the dude who keeps me on my toes with sarcasm and a full sink of dishes. Then work, who is a cruel mistress, always keeping me from things.
dirty talk thought process: bdsm dirty talk events getting off gta orgy queer sex rope woah
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Sunday night was myth. the ening started out rocky. I missed getting into NYC when I wanted to. I went to the pre-myth munch but didn’t meet as many people as I had hoped to. Then we headed over to a friend’s to get ready. Alas there was a typo in the address and instead of walking 2 blocks, we walked 25 blocks. (there and back again, as I was apparently parked across the street form her place). We quickly got ready and rushed out the door. We got to Myth and there was a line and it took a while to get in. Argh. So the day of Sunday really frustrated me and made me feel bummed, but I did NOT want it messing with my night.
The party kinda totally rocked. I was in awe at the fact that everywhere I looked there were people who would interest me, and scenes that were hot to me. I bumped into a few people early on that I talked with for a while. My friend Tiger from back in the firespinning days was there and we talked a bunch. The ginger was with me as my buddy and I kept teasing him through the silk skirt I got him to wear. I orchestrated a suspension for Tiger with MrBlue. While watching them, in the background I kept watching another hot scene with seram wrap and strapons and other stuff. Between that, all the folks around me, and constantly teasing the ginger, I was going nuts, so off to the bathroom we went. I moved the garbage can away from the corner and we made out and fucked. Then He pushed his hand inside of me and got me so close to orgasm it was infuriating. There were other folks all around us walking past to use the bathrooms or sinks, or to find another nook or surface to play on. There was something kinda hot about moving a garbage can so you can fuck up against a wall in a nightclub bathroom in NYC. I mean really… I think the “dirty” factor makes it twisted and hot to me.
We finished up and headed out to wander around the party and see what was happening. I ran into Shair. I had talked with him perviously about playing at the party. i knew he wanted to play but he felt scared/intimidated by the thought of playing in public. We ran back to the bathroom and his Mythbuddy, Am, came too. We pulled an ottoman into the bathroom, I took off my underwear and put them down on the edge between my rear and the ottoman and leaned back. Shair put on a glove and lubed up and pushed his hand inside of me. Am was staying back because they didn’t know me, but I invited them closer and said they didn’t have to feel like a stranger. They did come closer and held a leg which became some petting as well. Next to us was another scene with about 4 people, the center person was hooded and having their thighs beaten between being forced to orgasm. The harley/ivy duo came in and cheered us on for a bit and then ran off again. We eventually broke up partly to see a nazi interrogation scene, and also because I didn’t want to be too sore for work the next morning.
As I was sitting waiting to voyeur the interrogation scene, Eisko came over and asked if they could hurt me, and I said “of course” and so they sat on me and tied my hands back and hurt me a bit. There were some unfortunate limitations because I had to be able to teach a breast and pelvic exam in about 8 hours. All of my backside was ok though so eventually they had me get up and lay across the bar and started sawing me. Yes, I saw SAWING. They had a cross cut saw and they dragged the blade edge against my body… It felt like constantly being scratched in the same place. It became super intense feeling. At first I thought, “well they don’t want to have to deal with open wounds in a place like this, so really, what harm could it do?” But it did manage to hurt a bunch and fuck with my brain a little. (The shower a few hours later HURT SO BAD, and I still have scratches)The last thing they did was grabbed my hair and held my face still firmly against the counter top, and then they ran the saw against the back of my neck. My brain flashed upon the videos I’ve seen of people being beheaded. I couldn’t tell if I was horrified, excited, or turned on. I do know my logic was feeling a bit warp-y though.
I managed to make out with a few people throughout the night and make some friends. It was fantastic. Then I poked my friend Aid and asked if they were still interested as I said we would play, but it was getting late. They were still interested. So they beat the outer parts of my thighs, and my shoulder blades and it hurt. I’ve hit people, I know mean spots… These were mean spots. Considering the limitations I put out though and the time contraint, quick and dirty in shitty spots was the ticket. It was awesome and I look forward to playing with them again when we have more time and more body parts available.
Annnddd then we went home, and I stayed up all night and went to work the next morning and finally went to bed around 4pm the next day next to the gingerboy.
It was lovely.
Could I just perhaps not be sane, strong and composed?
I knew he was leaving so I knew to detach. I know the exact night I was able to do that. He got drunk. It was uncharacteristically sloppy of him but I’ve seen my share of drunk people so that really didn’t phase me. Being kept away and kept out of the loop did phase me a little. Later on that night he told me that I was probably desensitizing myself with my hitatchi after I tried to use it while he was inside me. It stung. I knew from that second on I would not be orgasming with him or probably anyone else for a long time or ever again. Finally, we talked about how he had almost all his most amazing orgasms with this one person and how their bodies fit perfectly. I like hearing about people’s sex this stung for me personally because I knew that was something I probably could never give him.
Well I wanted to detach, so there it was. After that night I noticed I didn’t care as much about what he was doing in a given week. If he wanted to tell me, sure, I’d be interested, but I wasn’t randomly wondering what he was doing. We still had some fantastic moments before he left but by the time that he was gone, I realized it was hard for me to pin down whether I liked HIM or the intimacy I was able to have to have with him.
I thought not being emotionally attached would make it easier. Unfortunately, I’m still stuck with this overwhelming feeling of lonelyness. I dislike when emotions win out over logic. I enjoy being a stable and solid person who is not prone to emotional break down or whimsy. I may write about it every now and then, but in person I am able to maintain a relatively calm and composed state. That’s why I tried to be as levelheaded about him as I could. Detach, become logical, enjoy the moments but say goodbye and mean it. Be ok with never seeing them again and if you do happen to see them again, well that’s nice. Be cold, calm, calculated.
There are just times when I wish I could let go and be an emotional wreck. Be nuts, fall apart, cry, depend on someone else’s strength… Perhaps if I can give that up I can actually become close to someone. I highly doubt that will come anytime soon as I would rather be logical and alone, then a mess and with someone. It’s just tiring and lonely, and instead of falling apart on someone I eat a bunch, sleep and feel guilty for being lazy… lather, rinse, repete.
thought process: blogs body image introspection privilege thinking WTF
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BRAIN TOO MANY THOUGHTS.
One ever present.
Contentment vs Elite.
Contentment, enjoying what you have, embracing the lowbrow, the dirt, soil, sweat, labor backbone of the human experience, also mob mentality, lesser education, eat the weak.
Elite, seeking enlightenment, seeking higher education and greater values of thought. art, high-brow, couture, sophistication, social justice, snobbery. disdain.
People need, and they want. We as humans want to be valued and we want to feel special. “Love” We seek love from those we love or place value on. Once a person gets their basic needs met food, water, shelter, etc, the next thing they see is love, or to have a value put on their life. Religious or spiritual people often place that onus on their gods, desiring the favor of their gods, giving their life meaning. People with a good or high self esteem often feel that within themselves, as they love themselves and since they love themselves, getting love from themselves… well it’s a constant cycle until something happens to diminish their view of themselves to where their own love becomes not uplifting anymore. Some people are devoted to having a partner. that one person who views them as so damn special that they can function without each other. They love the other person, so they require a love back to make them feel special. If joe schmore loves molliesue, and mollie sue has no desire, intrest or value in joeschmoe then joeschmoe’s love holds no value… It’s like the love is the paper currency, but the desire to feel valued by someone who you value is the gold that backs that paper. love being jsut a way to find value in your life. monogamy touches on people’s inherent fear of not being special, not having a value. They need that one person who they value to value them back and only them, or else they don’t have a value and they feel of less value. If their partner values another similarly then there’s a deflation of that currency. Even poly that has a tier system has a note of this in that. It’s a step in a good direction. “Well I have to be the most special, but then others can be a little bit special”. Some people find love and value through a hobby. They value that hobby or job or skill and so when they feel they have contributed to it and that hobby has been bettered because of their contribution they have value. they love what they do, and shit the collection of trains or whatever loves them back because that’s a damn amazing collection of trains. Addicts are loved by their addictions. People need to at least value themselves somewhat or they will die of their own making. Abusive relationships come from when one person tears away all the other sources of value from another’s life and makes them dependent on the abusers value aka “love”.
Applying logic to an illogical emotion. I believe that’s called psychology. It’s a damn good thing I never went into psychology. I’d be shit at it. I’d also offend every person who is into monogamy.
That being said. I know that inside me there is a desire to feel special and loved. I’m hoping that if I temper it consistently with patience and logic, I will seek value from those who are worthy; of my family, of my friends, of lovers, of mentors, of me…
And there’s that fight for balance!. The desire to feel special (Contentment) verses the desire to be a well rounded, enlightened, omnilovingish kind of person (Elite) I’d like to say that my logic makes becoming elite, in this case, what I want to do. Unfortunately, I can’t help this instinctual drive to find people to make me feel special (content). I guess this is more a compromise then a balance, but it’s so stinkin’ similar.
fuckfuckfuck brain stop it. I hate thinking laterally. I should have drawn this in a diagram but it would have been illegible.
I don’t tend to respond to that for the first time. When someone first changes the declaration of their feelings I dislike reciprocating immediately. “I like you” “I hate you” “I love you” “I long for you” “I am displeased by you”. When someone tells me they like me, my initial reaction is “Oh, how odd.” The standard response is “I like you too.” but I feel really weird saying that because it feels like a stock reply. No thought or feeling has really gone into it. If I told someone I liked them for the first time and their immediate response is “I like you too” I can’t help but doubt them. I will wonder if the response happened simply because they do not DISlike me and it just seemed like the right thing to say.
So when someone says, “I like you” I think “thank you” or “i’m glad” could be a perfectly legitimate response and the first person shouldn’t be butthurt over it. I think statements of feelings are more sincere when they are being felt due to a specific situation and not the stress of a reaction.
TL;DR – socially programmed auto responses are often insincere and will be questioned.
We can watch movies, or look at interesting things online. There will be a sleeping cat or two. There should be hot coco or tea. Our bodies will touch somehow, perhaps our knees relax toward each other, or maybe we are snuggled into each other. A trip to the playground happened earlier. The cold we endured there was what prompted the hot drinks which you told me to make. This too I want… Do you need the brutal humiliating sex? Do I need it? Who needs the comfort of a normal and cozy day? I can’t tell where one begins and the other ends. I know I want column a, column b, and heck any of the other columns from c to zed. Can I enjoy them if I don’t believe that it is what you truly want? I do not think so. I do know I think of them though.
I loved Topanga she was so ahead of her time. I’m glad I did have a strong female to look up to . I think the only issue I have with this message is that I don’t know what “my thing” is. I think if that was more concrete, watching others go off and do their thing might now feel so sad and confusing. Where the hell am I going in my life? I feel so immature sometimes in terms of figuring out my future. I personally don’t see living at home a bad thing. Other countries do it all the time. The family unit stays together much more often, children inherit homes, generations grow up together. It makes sense. Part of me though feels like I’m still not grown up because I’ve never left mommy’s nest. Then jobs! I mean I’m putzing around with my theatre work, but if I was really trying to be responsible then I’d be out getting a graphic design job and working my ass off to move up in the field and make a better office monkey wage. I just don’t know if I can do that.
Where the hell is my life headed? Is fixing up my home really all I have intended for my life? What is “my thing”? How do I do it? How do I accomplish things so I don’t feel left behind so I can meet someone someday and stand toe to toe with them. I want to be able to say, “Here’s what I’ve accomplished. Here are the amazing things I’ve done and that I bring to the table.”