I am a poster girl with no poster.

ouch?

Do I like pain?
Fuck, I don’t know.

I like the endorphins pain gives me. The feeling of rushy flight that comes with sore muscles and tender skin. I just want to breathe, and I feel so clear and in the moment. I feel so bubbly. I want to dance, to talk, to flirt, to just enjoy life after I’ve been hurt. This sounds precariously close to some cutting behavior but the emotions and place that this stems from is not rooted in that same frustration and darkness.

I like the bruises, the marks. I like sitting in a normal setting and seeing them on me. Little reminders of how I’m not this cubical. I’m not this acrylic sweater in a non threatening pastel color. I’m not just the chubby girl who you will ignore and who will never be interesting. I’ll have a smile on my lips because I know what I did last night and my skin has the story written on it. It turns me on all over again.

I like pushing myself. I like seeing how much I can take. how far I can go. It’s becoming an unintentional game where I see if I can hold out on my safeword but give enough verbal cues that they call it quits before I do. I want to see how far they will take it, will take me. I want to see if I can hold on until they decide the ride is over. It makes me happier in the end, as if I just finished a marathon, I just crossed the finished line and I get that exuberant feeling.

I like the connection with the person inflicting the pain. I love seeing a sadist smile. They get this gleam in their eye. There’s a connection with them, and I’m always looking for connections with people. Playing with people who are only into sensual sensations gets boring for me, they don’t have that intensity. I want to be used for someone’s pleasure and if that pleasure is the satisfaction of hurting someone, I will oblige.

I wish pain could get me off. I wish I could orgasm from being hurt. Then maybe that fact that it REALLY FUCKING HURTS, won’t matter as much. I feel every bit of the pain inflicted on me. I don’t go into space, I don’t get orgasmic, there is nothing to take my mind off of the fact that I am experiencing lots of pain. Do I like pain? No. Do i like what comes with pain? Yes.

Do I like pain? Am I a heavy bottom? Would I like more? How’s the intensity? Does it feel good? Have you had enough?…
I don’t know how to answer these. Ask me them and prepared to have a confused and irritated bottom on your hands.

Please don’t ask my opinion, Grab me and hurt me, and when I start pleading, curling up in a ball, whimpering, calling you nasty names, laughing a lot, and you’re content, then we can end.

oh hello.

Yesterday I taught a personal record number of students yesterday. 14 in one day. That’s 2, 2hour back to back sessions of 7 students each. That’s 14 pelvic exams in about 4 hours…

In my line of work it’s an entertaining thought to sometimes count your students. I’ve had 39 in one week, 14 in one day, probably around 200 people if not more, have been in my vagina.

I’ve lost 6 lbs in 5 weeks. when you’re a bajillion lbs that’s not much, but I guess it’s a start. I also like to blame on my extremely slow progression on the fact that I’m rebuilding muscle now too so… So there!

Makin’ you hot.

One of my favorite lays was this guy mike. I met him online and went to his place at like 5 in the morning. That could have been really stupid but he turned out to be some average kid about 2 years older then me really nice, quite cute, about my height, about half of my weight, nice arms, played guitar, had a decent job, there was really nothing wrong with him except his apartment was kinda drab, but hey it was a bachelor pad. he kept night hours because he did overnight shifts.

So I get over to his place and after some small talk he asks if he can kiss me, I say Oh sure. so we start making out and he starts touching me, and he’s like, “is this ok”and I say yeah, this i good. That sorta gives him the ok , and we really start getting into it. and then he starts getting a bit animalistic on me. It was really hot.

I don’t think I’ve ever been with anyone who was just that crazy about my body. Guys have been ok with my body, and have been willing to overlook the majority of it because I’m a cool person or I give good head or they just wanted something soft wet and squishy.  There’s been a few guys who’ve tried to LOVE my body to the point of fetishization, grabbing my stomach, rubbing it, licking it, and almost being more into my fa then ME. that was not ok. This guy though was simply just into my body. everything about it, nothing more then the rest, he wanted to touch, lick grab look at, squeeze every inch of me. it was really awesome.

And we fucked, and then when we were done, it was like 10 seconds of laying together and him touching me and he was ready to go again, I apparently made him that hot. He wasn’t the greatest lay, I don’t know if i just made him too excited, but it was very highschool rushed and very standard porn vanilla. omgkissing omgboobies omggirlnaked omghead omglickingpussy omgfuckingin outinoutinout-done, peel off condom, flop down. but just his sheer gusto for ME, made it hot and super fun, he just could not avoid getting hard at the sight of me. We had his highschool style of sex about 5 times in the span of about 2 hours.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt that comfortable. Unfortunately, that was only fleeting, but I just wish I had a little more time like that. I started getting a more daytime schedule and we wound up losing contact.

I like to please people, and I always have this nagging fear or worry that if I’m not directly doing something to my partner I’m not being pleasing overall. It was nice to know that for once being able to lay back and relax was truly undoubtedly pleasing to my partner.