ouch?
Do I like pain?
Fuck, I don’t know.
I like the endorphins pain gives me. The feeling of rushy flight that comes with sore muscles and tender skin. I just want to breathe, and I feel so clear and in the moment. I feel so bubbly. I want to dance, to talk, to flirt, to just enjoy life after I’ve been hurt. This sounds precariously close to some cutting behavior but the emotions and place that this stems from is not rooted in that same frustration and darkness.
I like the bruises, the marks. I like sitting in a normal setting and seeing them on me. Little reminders of how I’m not this cubical. I’m not this acrylic sweater in a non threatening pastel color. I’m not just the chubby girl who you will ignore and who will never be interesting. I’ll have a smile on my lips because I know what I did last night and my skin has the story written on it. It turns me on all over again.
I like pushing myself. I like seeing how much I can take. how far I can go. It’s becoming an unintentional game where I see if I can hold out on my safeword but give enough verbal cues that they call it quits before I do. I want to see how far they will take it, will take me. I want to see if I can hold on until they decide the ride is over. It makes me happier in the end, as if I just finished a marathon, I just crossed the finished line and I get that exuberant feeling.
I like the connection with the person inflicting the pain. I love seeing a sadist smile. They get this gleam in their eye. There’s a connection with them, and I’m always looking for connections with people. Playing with people who are only into sensual sensations gets boring for me, they don’t have that intensity. I want to be used for someone’s pleasure and if that pleasure is the satisfaction of hurting someone, I will oblige.
I wish pain could get me off. I wish I could orgasm from being hurt. Then maybe that fact that it REALLY FUCKING HURTS, won’t matter as much. I feel every bit of the pain inflicted on me. I don’t go into space, I don’t get orgasmic, there is nothing to take my mind off of the fact that I am experiencing lots of pain. Do I like pain? No. Do i like what comes with pain? Yes.
Do I like pain? Am I a heavy bottom? Would I like more? How’s the intensity? Does it feel good? Have you had enough?…
I don’t know how to answer these. Ask me them and prepared to have a confused and irritated bottom on your hands.
Please don’t ask my opinion, Grab me and hurt me, and when I start pleading, curling up in a ball, whimpering, calling you nasty names, laughing a lot, and you’re content, then we can end.
