brick by boring brick
This post is introspective shit…
1- I’m crass. I’m not a delicate flower. I don’t have delicate thoughts, I’m not lace and filigree. I’m as graceful as a tractor. Being quaint, sitting in a corner reading some epically deep poet is not my thing. Writing is also not my thing. My words won’t fill with you a sense of wonder or quicken your heart. When I write about things there’s moments I’d LOVE to describe, but there’s so many of them I give up and I resort to a basic litany of actions. It changes from, “He bent me over, one hand on my neck pushing his body into mine, I begged him to spank me, because I knew that he loved that and I wanted to fulfill his every need in that moment. He reeled back and slapped my rear with all his might, surprising even himself at his strength. I moaned and whimpered. I’ve been spanked before and it’s never felt as… amazing as this. I was so turned on my body finally understood masochism. I wanted more, It was making me hotter.” to, “He bent me over smacked my ass a bit, pulled out and made me suck it.” I just don’t have the energy and the brains to write completely in detail. I get tired and lost. So my words go from this beautiful detailed picture, to just a crass outline.
2- I’m lonely. I’ve got lots of friends but at the end of the day, they all have people to be intimate with, to love them, to understand them on a deeper level. I’ve got friends, and I’ve got people I can screw, but I don’t have anyone I can be intimate with.
3- I’m not sure I want to fix #2. I’m a cantankerous person. I like being alone (not lonely). I like having my own space. I don’t like having to report to someone where I’m going or who I’m with. I have spent so long without having a deep intimate conversation that I don’t know if I even know how to have one anymore. I don’t understand how to talk to a person without a computer nearby.I don’t want to have to make time for someone. I don’t want to have to drive to their place, put up with their whims. I don’t want to have to pretend they are funny, or I care. I don’t want to have to settle.
4- I’m disassociated with my body. I want people to touch me intimately. I want them to hold, stroke, caress, kiss, breathe me… I want to feel comfortable laying or sitting next to someone and having our arms or legs touch. I don’t want to feel like I have to maintain my boundaries…. but I do. I’m uncomfortable with people touching me intimately. I’m uncomfortable with leaning on people, or being close. It’s very obvious when I work and I have 5 different people touching my cervix, putting their hands deep inside me, looking inside me… and it doesn’t even phase me. This is not my body, it’s just something I’m teaching you on… I’m disassociating.
5- I do think I want a relationship, I just think it’s going to take some (read: A LOT) time.
6- I have high standards. They must be intelligent enough to understand XKCD. They should be kinky/dominant. They should be entertaining. They should prefer playing sports over watching them. They should never refer to their penis as “that dick”. They should like cats. They should be into the burning man thing, ideally the radical self reliance and the participation part. they should like the outdoors. Ideally they should have an AOA or at least know of what that is and be on the way to getting one. They also have to be someone who isn’t awkward or too weird, who i can stand looking at and smelling.
At this rate… I’ll be single forever.