thought process: bdsm blogs body image daily life feminism health petpeeves privilege thinking
AKA “Why i’m not worried about offending you.”
I’m fat. That’s not going to change. Even if I diet like a fiend and make a huge lifestyle change, I’ll probably never get under 240lbs without some horrible invasive surgery. having said that, something new struck me recently.
I was looking at a picture that compared a girl in a cosplay outfit who was plus size, but not overly so, to another girl playing the same character but who was thin. Both outfits were well done but thinner one was shot in a professional portrait setting, so they probably had a better shot at presenting their costume nicely. The general consensus was that the larger girl was repulsive and should not be out like that. Some people made statements like “whale” or “put her out of her misery”. It seemed as if they were offended by having to look even voluntarily at an image of a large girl, god forbid if they were in the same space as her too!
Then there’s meme roth and all her fat shaming bullshit she’s spewing which is really just a product of our media society. God forbid the fatties live alongside these bastions of thin. As if thin people are never irritating to be near, or never have health problems. God, fat people are made fun of all over, and even if there’s a fat person at a gym they are still made fun of when clearly they are trying to change.
So if simply existing and not being absolutely ashamed of myself, was reason that others are offended, then why should I be so damn worried about offending their delicate sensibilities in other ways?
Combine that with people who simply offend me with no concern… people who talk on the phone (bluetooth headsets in particular) really fucking loud, people who wear perfume that makes me sneeze and have mini asthma attacks, people who wear their pants way too fucking low, people who use homophobic slurs in common language, people who call the entire area of the vulva the vagina, people who sport conservative or stupid bumperstickers, or the ideals behind them… Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh… The list goes on.
Mash all these things together and you have an atmosphere where I stop caring if I’m offending you and I jsut start enjoying myself. I’ll still be a good person. I’ll still hold the door for you, tip well, let you cross the street, and other courteous things, but don’t be suprized if I’m wearing my pro-abortion t-shirt while doing it, or if I’ve got a leash on, or my knees tied together and my panties stuffed in my mouth with tape.
I don’t care if my existence offends you.
thought process: body image gta health job photos thinking
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Yesterday I taught a personal record number of students yesterday. 14 in one day. That’s 2, 2hour back to back sessions of 7 students each. That’s 14 pelvic exams in about 4 hours…
In my line of work it’s an entertaining thought to sometimes count your students. I’ve had 39 in one week, 14 in one day, probably around 200 people if not more, have been in my vagina.
I’ve lost 6 lbs in 5 weeks. when you’re a bajillion lbs that’s not much, but I guess it’s a start. I also like to blame on my extremely slow progression on the fact that I’m rebuilding muscle now too so… So there!
So i’m home all the time at the moment. I’ve gotten myself good and injured and I can’t do much. I thought that this would make my blog boring. I really wanted to posts lots of stuff about sexual explots and deep thoughts…
But i’m such a lazy writer.
Even though I’ve been super bored, i default to crappy tv or watching movies online or whining on twitter… I need to start using my time to put down thoughts and build real catalogs of my life. I thinkthat might be better.
I’ve got a google wave invite, nanowrimo is going on, my blog is back online, maybe something can inspire me to do more.
So I have decent length, (currently) dark red hair. It’s clean and conditioned and I have the fan on next to my bed and I though Oh I feel pretty.. let me turn on my webcam. and be vain for a second becasue I mean, I’m currently stuck crippled in bed, might as well have some fun with it. (Why am I crippled? what’s wrong? Well I’m tired of explaining it, but needless to say I haven’t left my house in a week and a half due to crippling pain resulting in a spinal injury.)
I’ve come to realize, i dislike most of the photos I’ve taken of myself with my hair down. I think my face has strong features and my hair just… I don’t know… it never feels quite complementary in photos.
and Besides other little things like, making sure there’s no double chin, holding my head up, relaxing the mouth, I’ve found I hate profile pictures of myself. I have a neanderthal eyebrow ridge. I can use my eyebrows as a visor against the morning or evening sun. It’s crazy. My nose curls up hard, and my chin juts out. My face is wayyy too strangely curvy for profile. 3/4ths though.. that’s the money.
p.s. if you haven’t noticed it’s like the same fuckin picture but one has hair… and there’s no photoshop.
I passed on my first case of herpes. It was to a fairly consistent fuck buddy who I’d tried to warn. He proceeded to have unprotected sex with me. I had no symptoms, but I still managed to pass it.
First person in 5 years. I know I warned him. I know he kinda ignored it. I know he insisted on not using condoms (not that they would have been totally effective for stopping the transmission). Yet I still feel like a superior douschebag for getting him sick.
finances thought process: daily life debt health job money thinking
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Money is one thing that is guaranteed to make me feel ogida. I dislike having to live tightly. I loathe borrowing and owing people money. I get really anxious when I pay bills late.
I was spoiled growing up. My dad was retired with a government pension and my mom was making up around 90k a year. a lot of that she invested, and the rest she spent on us with private school and a lot of crap. When AT&T cut back half their company and then all the stocks went under around 9/11 we were fucked. I wish I had heeded my dad more growing up and was more of a monetary tightwad. I have bad spending habits now, an I don’t have the means to support them.
I make a few payments every month. I pay 100 to my federal school loan, I pay 100 to my private collage loan, I pay 160 for both my mothers and my own cell phone, and I try to give my mom around 200 a month for house costs. So that’s just under 600 there a month I spend. Not including gas, my credit card bill, all the repairs I constantly make on bessie… About a year and a few months ago I put a brand new engine in bessie too, that’s 5k in repairs. I put it on my credit card and haven’t paid it down yet. Every time I think I’m making headway something comes up.
In taxes I owed 250 to federal and 22 fucking dollars to the state. I had worked a contractor job, so the 26k in taxed income didn’t make up for the 4k in non taxed income. Balls. Hopefully this year I will qualify for the stimulus package. Last year I didn’t becasue i was considered dependent on my mother, and I wasn’t under 17 so she couldn’t even get the 200 for me.
Right now I work two job which scrape by on paying the bills. Thank god I don’t have to worry about rent. I have No savings to my name and lot of debt though. No health insurance either. To top it off, I’m a contractor right now and so none of my money is taxed. I’m going to owe a shit ton of money this time next year.
My mom is in the hospital. I don’t take care of people well. I jsut want to go into hiding and hope they get better on their own. She has an infection in her leg. My sis and I are going to go see her. I love her, I wish I wasen’t emotionally defunct.
I really want to sleep. I’ve been up since about 6am, and I feel fried. Britney spears’ stage is a metric fuckton of stuff, but yanno what they say, the less talent the more crap.