It’s interesting when the lizard brain kicks in. When your logic gives up and you mind fights for it’s basic survival mode. Fear takes over. I’ve rarely been pushed there though intensity.
I Played with S_C once and she put her hand over my mouth and nose. Previously we had been to a breath play class together. She knew this was something I was into and excited about. She’s the first person who’s ever pushed me. People will do it for a few seconds and then let up quickly but This was a good 45 seconds until I started having diaphragm contractions. I didn’t want to fight her because she was supposed to be in control int he scene, but the lizard brain kicked in and said “No, fucker, you should be breathing!” So contractions and some thrashing happened. I did have enough mobility that I could have used my hands to free my face, but I never did. I guess lizard brain isn’t a complete winner.
dirty talk thought process: daily life family introspection thinking woah WTF
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I remember mallrats was on in the background. We were on his dorm bed which was hiked up with bed risers. It was on Bush campus. I remember being naked with our heads at the foot of the bed. I remember him asking “Are you sure” before he entered me.
I don’t know if it is haunting me or if it is a sacred moment, but it hurts. Fuck does it hurt.
Could I just perhaps not be sane, strong and composed?
I knew he was leaving so I knew to detach. I know the exact night I was able to do that. He got drunk. It was uncharacteristically sloppy of him but I’ve seen my share of drunk people so that really didn’t phase me. Being kept away and kept out of the loop did phase me a little. Later on that night he told me that I was probably desensitizing myself with my hitatchi after I tried to use it while he was inside me. It stung. I knew from that second on I would not be orgasming with him or probably anyone else for a long time or ever again. Finally, we talked about how he had almost all his most amazing orgasms with this one person and how their bodies fit perfectly. I like hearing about people’s sex this stung for me personally because I knew that was something I probably could never give him.
Well I wanted to detach, so there it was. After that night I noticed I didn’t care as much about what he was doing in a given week. If he wanted to tell me, sure, I’d be interested, but I wasn’t randomly wondering what he was doing. We still had some fantastic moments before he left but by the time that he was gone, I realized it was hard for me to pin down whether I liked HIM or the intimacy I was able to have to have with him.
I thought not being emotionally attached would make it easier. Unfortunately, I’m still stuck with this overwhelming feeling of lonelyness. I dislike when emotions win out over logic. I enjoy being a stable and solid person who is not prone to emotional break down or whimsy. I may write about it every now and then, but in person I am able to maintain a relatively calm and composed state. That’s why I tried to be as levelheaded about him as I could. Detach, become logical, enjoy the moments but say goodbye and mean it. Be ok with never seeing them again and if you do happen to see them again, well that’s nice. Be cold, calm, calculated.
There are just times when I wish I could let go and be an emotional wreck. Be nuts, fall apart, cry, depend on someone else’s strength… Perhaps if I can give that up I can actually become close to someone. I highly doubt that will come anytime soon as I would rather be logical and alone, then a mess and with someone. It’s just tiring and lonely, and instead of falling apart on someone I eat a bunch, sleep and feel guilty for being lazy… lather, rinse, repete.
thought process: blogs body image introspection privilege thinking WTF
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BRAIN TOO MANY THOUGHTS.
One ever present.
Contentment vs Elite.
Contentment, enjoying what you have, embracing the lowbrow, the dirt, soil, sweat, labor backbone of the human experience, also mob mentality, lesser education, eat the weak.
Elite, seeking enlightenment, seeking higher education and greater values of thought. art, high-brow, couture, sophistication, social justice, snobbery. disdain.
People need, and they want. We as humans want to be valued and we want to feel special. “Love” We seek love from those we love or place value on. Once a person gets their basic needs met food, water, shelter, etc, the next thing they see is love, or to have a value put on their life. Religious or spiritual people often place that onus on their gods, desiring the favor of their gods, giving their life meaning. People with a good or high self esteem often feel that within themselves, as they love themselves and since they love themselves, getting love from themselves… well it’s a constant cycle until something happens to diminish their view of themselves to where their own love becomes not uplifting anymore. Some people are devoted to having a partner. that one person who views them as so damn special that they can function without each other. They love the other person, so they require a love back to make them feel special. If joe schmore loves molliesue, and mollie sue has no desire, intrest or value in joeschmoe then joeschmoe’s love holds no value… It’s like the love is the paper currency, but the desire to feel valued by someone who you value is the gold that backs that paper. love being jsut a way to find value in your life. monogamy touches on people’s inherent fear of not being special, not having a value. They need that one person who they value to value them back and only them, or else they don’t have a value and they feel of less value. If their partner values another similarly then there’s a deflation of that currency. Even poly that has a tier system has a note of this in that. It’s a step in a good direction. “Well I have to be the most special, but then others can be a little bit special”. Some people find love and value through a hobby. They value that hobby or job or skill and so when they feel they have contributed to it and that hobby has been bettered because of their contribution they have value. they love what they do, and shit the collection of trains or whatever loves them back because that’s a damn amazing collection of trains. Addicts are loved by their addictions. People need to at least value themselves somewhat or they will die of their own making. Abusive relationships come from when one person tears away all the other sources of value from another’s life and makes them dependent on the abusers value aka “love”.
Applying logic to an illogical emotion. I believe that’s called psychology. It’s a damn good thing I never went into psychology. I’d be shit at it. I’d also offend every person who is into monogamy.
That being said. I know that inside me there is a desire to feel special and loved. I’m hoping that if I temper it consistently with patience and logic, I will seek value from those who are worthy; of my family, of my friends, of lovers, of mentors, of me…
And there’s that fight for balance!. The desire to feel special (Contentment) verses the desire to be a well rounded, enlightened, omnilovingish kind of person (Elite) I’d like to say that my logic makes becoming elite, in this case, what I want to do. Unfortunately, I can’t help this instinctual drive to find people to make me feel special (content). I guess this is more a compromise then a balance, but it’s so stinkin’ similar.
fuckfuckfuck brain stop it. I hate thinking laterally. I should have drawn this in a diagram but it would have been illegible.
I don’t tend to respond to that for the first time. When someone first changes the declaration of their feelings I dislike reciprocating immediately. “I like you” “I hate you” “I love you” “I long for you” “I am displeased by you”. When someone tells me they like me, my initial reaction is “Oh, how odd.” The standard response is “I like you too.” but I feel really weird saying that because it feels like a stock reply. No thought or feeling has really gone into it. If I told someone I liked them for the first time and their immediate response is “I like you too” I can’t help but doubt them. I will wonder if the response happened simply because they do not DISlike me and it just seemed like the right thing to say.
So when someone says, “I like you” I think “thank you” or “i’m glad” could be a perfectly legitimate response and the first person shouldn’t be butthurt over it. I think statements of feelings are more sincere when they are being felt due to a specific situation and not the stress of a reaction.
TL;DR – socially programmed auto responses are often insincere and will be questioned.
I loved Topanga she was so ahead of her time. I’m glad I did have a strong female to look up to . I think the only issue I have with this message is that I don’t know what “my thing” is. I think if that was more concrete, watching others go off and do their thing might now feel so sad and confusing. Where the hell am I going in my life? I feel so immature sometimes in terms of figuring out my future. I personally don’t see living at home a bad thing. Other countries do it all the time. The family unit stays together much more often, children inherit homes, generations grow up together. It makes sense. Part of me though feels like I’m still not grown up because I’ve never left mommy’s nest. Then jobs! I mean I’m putzing around with my theatre work, but if I was really trying to be responsible then I’d be out getting a graphic design job and working my ass off to move up in the field and make a better office monkey wage. I just don’t know if I can do that.
Where the hell is my life headed? Is fixing up my home really all I have intended for my life? What is “my thing”? How do I do it? How do I accomplish things so I don’t feel left behind so I can meet someone someday and stand toe to toe with them. I want to be able to say, “Here’s what I’ve accomplished. Here are the amazing things I’ve done and that I bring to the table.”
bones, blood, tissue, water. The magical is contained within such crude forms, while the crude forms are yet just as magical. The monster and the wonder and the same. I feel like there’s something keeping my monster from reaching my wonder. Which will die first without the other?
I do not give up control well. Even if you have me tied up, being beaten hurt, fucked, humiliated… There’s still a certain amount of control that I have.
I wish I could give all of that. I wish I could get swept up in a whirlwind of emotion and passion. Just disappear from my brain and melt into my skin.
You know something is wrong when a completely out of control abusive-ish relationship seems almost romantic and dreamy.
I know this is just a dance. When I watch it some part of me is revolted by how messed up they are, but some part of me feels like it’s yearning for that.
I want to be ripped apart.
(x-posted from my fetlife journal)
For some reason the people I like tend to be SUPER intelligent. I hung out with someone on monday. I spent the majority of my time listening to their intelligent topics and just not knowing how to respond because my comments would have been about as intelligent as “Uhh… I like pie.”
These are people who are seeking higher degrees… have good smarty pants jobs… People who write papers and proposals and grants on their own time. Fuck, I didn’t even write papers for classes in order to pass them, let alone for funsies! Yet, for some reason, these are the people who I want to sit near. Who I want to listen to. Who I want to do dirty things with. Who I want to look at and smell. Who I want to like me back.
I like hearing their thoughts about an obscure book or a new political and social conversation about art or the environment or spending and waste. One has been to Iran, one might go to Iran, one has worked in Dubai, one has ties to the Caribbean islands and has hiked the US extensively. They are just amazing people and I’m just… this lumpy person born and raised in the same area/house. Swaddled in privilege and one dimensional thought. I wish I could keep up my end of the conversation but in my head all I hear is “LA LA LA BUTTERFLIES LA LA LA”. It’s unfortunate.
laaa la la la la la laaaaaa sparkly things laaaaa la la la la lalaaaa.
thought process: daily life introspection job money thinking
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My world isn’t hard. I live a spoiled life. Luck has been good to me.
When I was younger I used to hope I’d enjoy what I had and then die young. That way I wouldn’t have to figure out the future or build long term plans.
Sometimes, I worry that since I’ve been so lucky, that when my luck runs out I won’t have built the coping skills I need.
Now, I want to die young, late in life. I just have to make it there. What should I plan for the future? I haven’t thought very successfully about it.