dirty talk thought process: daily life family introspection thinking woah WTF
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I remember mallrats was on in the background. We were on his dorm bed which was hiked up with bed risers. It was on Bush campus. I remember being naked with our heads at the foot of the bed. I remember him asking “Are you sure” before he entered me.
I don’t know if it is haunting me or if it is a sacred moment, but it hurts. Fuck does it hurt.
dirty talk thought process: bdsm dirty talk events getting off gta orgy queer sex rope woah
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Sunday night was myth. the ening started out rocky. I missed getting into NYC when I wanted to. I went to the pre-myth munch but didn’t meet as many people as I had hoped to. Then we headed over to a friend’s to get ready. Alas there was a typo in the address and instead of walking 2 blocks, we walked 25 blocks. (there and back again, as I was apparently parked across the street form her place). We quickly got ready and rushed out the door. We got to Myth and there was a line and it took a while to get in. Argh. So the day of Sunday really frustrated me and made me feel bummed, but I did NOT want it messing with my night.
The party kinda totally rocked. I was in awe at the fact that everywhere I looked there were people who would interest me, and scenes that were hot to me. I bumped into a few people early on that I talked with for a while. My friend Tiger from back in the firespinning days was there and we talked a bunch. The ginger was with me as my buddy and I kept teasing him through the silk skirt I got him to wear. I orchestrated a suspension for Tiger with MrBlue. While watching them, in the background I kept watching another hot scene with seram wrap and strapons and other stuff. Between that, all the folks around me, and constantly teasing the ginger, I was going nuts, so off to the bathroom we went. I moved the garbage can away from the corner and we made out and fucked. Then He pushed his hand inside of me and got me so close to orgasm it was infuriating. There were other folks all around us walking past to use the bathrooms or sinks, or to find another nook or surface to play on. There was something kinda hot about moving a garbage can so you can fuck up against a wall in a nightclub bathroom in NYC. I mean really… I think the “dirty” factor makes it twisted and hot to me.
We finished up and headed out to wander around the party and see what was happening. I ran into Shair. I had talked with him perviously about playing at the party. i knew he wanted to play but he felt scared/intimidated by the thought of playing in public. We ran back to the bathroom and his Mythbuddy, Am, came too. We pulled an ottoman into the bathroom, I took off my underwear and put them down on the edge between my rear and the ottoman and leaned back. Shair put on a glove and lubed up and pushed his hand inside of me. Am was staying back because they didn’t know me, but I invited them closer and said they didn’t have to feel like a stranger. They did come closer and held a leg which became some petting as well. Next to us was another scene with about 4 people, the center person was hooded and having their thighs beaten between being forced to orgasm. The harley/ivy duo came in and cheered us on for a bit and then ran off again. We eventually broke up partly to see a nazi interrogation scene, and also because I didn’t want to be too sore for work the next morning.
As I was sitting waiting to voyeur the interrogation scene, Eisko came over and asked if they could hurt me, and I said “of course” and so they sat on me and tied my hands back and hurt me a bit. There were some unfortunate limitations because I had to be able to teach a breast and pelvic exam in about 8 hours. All of my backside was ok though so eventually they had me get up and lay across the bar and started sawing me. Yes, I saw SAWING. They had a cross cut saw and they dragged the blade edge against my body… It felt like constantly being scratched in the same place. It became super intense feeling. At first I thought, “well they don’t want to have to deal with open wounds in a place like this, so really, what harm could it do?” But it did manage to hurt a bunch and fuck with my brain a little. (The shower a few hours later HURT SO BAD, and I still have scratches)The last thing they did was grabbed my hair and held my face still firmly against the counter top, and then they ran the saw against the back of my neck. My brain flashed upon the videos I’ve seen of people being beheaded. I couldn’t tell if I was horrified, excited, or turned on. I do know my logic was feeling a bit warp-y though.
I managed to make out with a few people throughout the night and make some friends. It was fantastic. Then I poked my friend Aid and asked if they were still interested as I said we would play, but it was getting late. They were still interested. So they beat the outer parts of my thighs, and my shoulder blades and it hurt. I’ve hit people, I know mean spots… These were mean spots. Considering the limitations I put out though and the time contraint, quick and dirty in shitty spots was the ticket. It was awesome and I look forward to playing with them again when we have more time and more body parts available.
Annnddd then we went home, and I stayed up all night and went to work the next morning and finally went to bed around 4pm the next day next to the gingerboy.
It was lovely.
I got fingerprinted today for a new job (in a school system) and there was a herd of deer at the location I went to. I was taking pictures of them when one came up to me and started licking my hand. The guy who does fingerprinting gives them leftovers. I think this guy wanted lunch. It was SO COOL and they have soft tongues.
I do not give up control well. Even if you have me tied up, being beaten hurt, fucked, humiliated… There’s still a certain amount of control that I have.
I wish I could give all of that. I wish I could get swept up in a whirlwind of emotion and passion. Just disappear from my brain and melt into my skin.
You know something is wrong when a completely out of control abusive-ish relationship seems almost romantic and dreamy.
I know this is just a dance. When I watch it some part of me is revolted by how messed up they are, but some part of me feels like it’s yearning for that.
I want to be ripped apart.
(x-posted from my fetlife journal)
When people look at me, I often hope they can’t see me. Instead, I hope they see an ammre shaped outline of futures, posibilities, universes, worlds where they can go. I don’t need them to see me. I need them to see peace, inspiration, hope, ideas, connection, something more.
I just want to be a door. I want people to find something magical through me. It’s lonely, because people pass through doors, they don’t stay by them and keep them company. That’s fine though. Let me open for you and I will have purpose.
I am ok with being alone, just me, my purpose, and the occasional random passerthrough.